Precious and Fragile Things

Day 21 - Another Moment

As I've said before, the place I'm renting now is on a farm which borders a second farm. My landlords and their neighbors raise beef cattle. On either side of my driveway are pastures full of grazing cattle, and also one of the troughs from which the cattle get some feed every morning.

Cows, like most any domesticated animal, know when it's feeding time. Coincidentally, feeding time for the cattle next to the driveway appears to be roughly about the same time I tend to arrive home after taking the kiddo to school in the mornings. Whoever feeds the cattle also drives a truck, and I've learned that cows know to look for a truck but they apparently can't discern between color, make, and model of said truck. Whenever I stop to check my mail in the mornings, the cows all press close next to the fence, and when I don't pull out a bucket of feed to dump into their trough, I hear them moon angrily at me.

And every morning when I continue on down my driveway, the cows stare at me. In that moment I know that were it not for a lack of claws and fangs, the cows would probably love to eat me.

( The Meme )

Day 19 - Something I Regret

Oh, there's plenty I regret. Not finishing college for one (even though I had something of a good reason for dropping out). I regret getting a perm in fourth grade and again in ninth grade (you'd think I'd learn). I regret that I let other people's opinions of me, real and imagined, keep me from trying out more things in high school and college. I regret I stayed with my college boyfriend for as long as I did and I allowed myself to accept being his dirty little secret for so long. So, yeah, there's a lot of things I regret.

But I don't let those things keep me from planning my life.

I can go back to school. Maybe it won't be for the sorts of degrees I was initially planning to get, but I can still get a higher education so long as I'm still breathing. I can't change the bad hairstyles or go back and fix my dating life, but those don't things don't matter now except for the wisdom they give me not to repeat my mistakes.

One of the wisest things my friend Deec ever told me shortly after we first met was, "It's impossible to live a life without any regrets. The best you can do is minimize the amount you'll have." It's something I still believe and bear in mind when life throws me those delightful curveballs.

( The Meme )

Day 16 - My First Kiss

My first kiss was also my first love. At fifteen years old, I felt as though I was the only girl in my class who hadn't been kissed. Even my father made a mocking comment about being "Almost-sixteen and never been kissed." It was mid-October 1996 when I started really dating Dark-Haired Boy. We'd shared a couple of pecks on the lips and cheeks, but I still hadn't had my French kiss.

One weekend afternoon we were at his house watching movies and sitting on the couch. Well, being 15 and 17, we snuggled and started to kiss. He was very aware that I'd never been kissed before, that I was nervous as hell, and that I feared being really bad at it. Thankfully, Dark-Haired Boy took it slow and before I knew it, I had my first real kiss.

And I hated it.

Yes, me of all people hated her first kiss. In fact, I was pretty much convinced that I was never ever, ever, ever going to do that again. It wasn't that he was a bad kisser -- far from it. Sure, I've had better since, but he totally wasn't bad at it, and not that I knew any better being a kissing virgin and all. It was simply that I wasn't accustomed to having someone else's tongue in my mouth and, well, I'd built up this idea of what a kiss should be like in my head, and as usual real life wasn't quite like the fantasy. About the only good thing I can say about it is that at least it wasn't as disasterous as my first attempt at sex.

Three weeks later, when he was dropping me off at home, I turned the tables, took charge, and kissed him. For some reason, I really enjoyed it then and I learned just how intimate a kiss could feel. Needless to say, I changed my mind about kissing and to this day I find I still enjoy making out quite a bit.

( The Meme )

Day 14 - My Education

This is a bit of a sore subject for me, so I'll be brief. I was the honor student everyone hated in high school, though I didn't ever really apply myself as hard as I could have so I wasn't valedictorian either. Still, I graduated in the top 20 of my high school, which was an accomplishment considering quite a few ahead of me went on to Ivy League or close-to-Ivy-League schools. Me, I went to the University of South Carolina (which is actually an excellent school) and dropped out after three years, never even maintaining C average. Then I went off to Maine and got knocked up (yes, I am being a bit facetious here, though I did get pregnant obviously).

Shit happened in my life around my junior and senior years of high school. My home life was beyond stressful, school had always been sheer hell thanks to my peers, and then right out of high school I was dating an asshole and sincerely believed I could do no better. Things got worse after I went to college, and pretty much, I mentally fell apart. A decade-plus removed from the situation, I can look back on it and be amazed that I held it together for as long as I did and also wonder why no one in my life, teachers or family, thought to question why it is that someone who normally did so well in school was starting to come apart. I can only guess they figured I somehow lost a massive amount of my intelligence and/or just wasn't as smart as I'd shown myself to be for, oh, the past twelve years or so. I had no support. None. Even so, the fact that I never finished college (and did so poorly at it) is something that I'm still ashamed of and hope to one day remedy, but for right now I've had to focus on other stuff like raising my son, helping take care of dying relatives, and basically be a support system for everyone else but myself.

Uh, yeah, that's part of why I moved this year, to finally start fixing the things that I can and coming to terms with what I can't repair. Also, I still have a bit of anger to process over the people who were supposed to be there for me utterly failing at that on every possible level.

( The Meme )

Day 12 - Something I Feel Strongly About

There are many about which I'm passionate and I'm having one of those "I can't brain" days today so it's hard for me to just pick one thing over another. Maybe I could go on about the reasons I'm pro-choice, or perhaps I could discuss the idea of enthusiastic consent (though after I was triggered the other day, I'm leery about getting into that), and yet still there's my feelings on the matter of religious freedom/freedom from religion. They're all things I feel strongly about, but none of which seem to be stirring enough emotion in me today to do a specific post on the subject.

Hmm. Really, I'm stumped for the moment. I guess I could always go with something silly. Yes, silly.

I think green peppers are an abomination. Don't get me wrong, I love red and yellow peppers, especially when they're roasted and placed with a good pasta, but green peppers? Yecht! And I really, really hate that green peppers are used in nearly everything, or at least in way, way more dishes than red and/or yellow peppers. I'd love to see the other colors utilized in more restaurants. That, and more artichokes. Mmm, artichokes.

And now I've gone and made myself hungry. Great.

( The Meme )

Day 09 - My Beliefs

"Beliefs" is a broad term. I'm going to interpret this as spiritual and/or religious beliefs, though I could write a couple of paragraphs describing my political leanings and still be true to the meme in a way. But, as I've demonstrated, I'm lazy and will go the spiritual and/or religious route.

I'm going to make this very simple: My spiritual and/or religious beliefs are no one's business but my own. Likewise, I don't really give a crap what Johnny and Suzie believe either. What I do care about is if someone tries to take away my right to believe what I want or to try and promote one path over another. You can believe your god is superior to mine all you want, but you need to keep it to yourself and leave me in peace and I'll do the same to you.

( Read more... )

Day 10 - My Physical Constitution

I rolled an 18 once when creating a character and I put that into my Con...oh, wait. Never mind.

Well, um, I'm fat. I have a nice rack, and I have hips. Oh, and I've got big feet (for a woman). I've started adapting an "I don't give a fuck" attitude when it comes to what other people think of my appearance, and so far that's working out pretty well because I get to wear clothing I love and that I think looks pretty nice on me.

Physically, I consider myself pretty strong, or at least strong enough that I can corral a rambunctious four-foot tall six year-old when the need arises, and strong enough that I can bathe a hyperactive fifty-pound Chow mix.

Uh, yeah, I really don't like describing myself in a lot of detail.

( The Meme )

Day 05 - Your Definition of Love

Whoo boy, this one is kind of a doozy. Well, it is for me at any rate.

First of all, let me just say that the old saying, "Love means never having to say you're sorry" is bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. Humans fuck up. Humans in relationships fuck up repeatedly. Sometimes we make a bad joke, or we say something harsh in the heat of the moment. Whatever. If you hurt someone you claim to love, no matter how unintentional, you apologize. End of story. None of this, "He knows I didn't mean it," or, "She knows I love her." Don't care. You say you're sorry and mean it each and every time you screw up, and yes, you will screw up. It happens.

Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah, my definition of love.

Love is loving the person, the whole person, as they are now. You don't love someone if they "lose 50 pounds" or "cut hir hair in a style I prefer." You love someone warts and all in the present. Sure, your love can change in the future. Maybe you'll love them more than you do now, or maybe you'll hate them three months from now. My point is, if you fall in love with someone, make sure you're falling in love with hir and not some idealized version you've cooked up in your head.

Love is a desire to see the other person happy, even if that happiness doesn't necessarily include you. This is not something that's easy, and usually it comes with maturity and time. I want to see the person I love be happy, and I don't think I could live with myself if I knew zie was unhappy with me. I've been the unhappy person in a relationship and I couldn't bear to make someone else feel that way.

Love means sticking by a person in the good times and the bad, so long as that bad doesn't mean the other person is abusive towards you. People are allowed to have bad days, but there is no excuse for physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. Another human being is not a punching bag, metaphorical or literal. Vent to another person, lean on hir shoulder, but always realize that your partner isn't the reason your boss is being a jerk at work.

Love is still knowing you're going to find comfort in the other person's arms, even if you're mad at hir or zie's mad at you. It's feeling safe enough to voice a concern or to say that something needs to change without worrying the other person will leave. It's knowing that the times of anger or annoyance are short lived and knowing that, no matter what's happening in life, the good between the two (or more) of you outweighs the bad.

Love is not necessarily forever. People come and go into our lives. Some linger for longer than others. If a relationship ends, it doesn't mean it was a failure or a bad idea. It means lessons were learned, some stuff happened, and the two people are no longer a good fit for one another. What's important is that we remember we are capable of love and of being loved in return.

There, I think that's enough babbling from me today.

( The Meme )

Day 02 - Your First Love

One day, when I was in sixth grade, I was hanging out in the library, I think, during some sort of break. It might have been after school while I waited for some activity or other to begin. Either way, there were a couple of eighth graders there as well and one of them was known by someone in my class. About four of us sat down at a table to play a hand of cards, though I think I was more observing. One of the eighth graders caught my eye, mostly because he had black hair and was really pale (you're shocked by this, I know). He was kind of sullen and I suppose I picked up on the fact that he'd suffered at the hands of some popular kids too, but he still managed to be a little funny. I thought he was pretty cool and I found out he'd just moved to town that year, but other than that I didn't learn much about him. I remember this was toward the end of the year, so we got our yearbooks and I found his name mostly out of curiosity, and then, seeing as he went on to the high school and I had two more years before I got there, I kind of put him out of my mind.

Fast-forward to eighth grade. I was able to join the high school marching band when we got a new band director. Now, seeing as I've always been a geek, getting into the marching band had me stoked beyond belief. It was the entire reason I joined band because I'd loved the marching band concept ever since I went to my first high school football game in elementary school. My father would later say I jumped about ten feet off the ground and squealed excitedly when I got a letter in the mail telling me to get ready for band camp. (Why yes, I've always been a dork. Why ever do you ask?)

Anyway, over the course of the season I got to know one of the girls who played the xylophone on the sideline. She was a senior and her brother was a sophomore. Her brother was, you guessed it, that boy I'd been so intrigued by in sixth grade. He'd since let his hair grow out and I heard he was on the yearbook staff, a photographer. (I can hear the chorus of, "Neeeerrrrdssss!" now.) I never saw much of him, but I thought he was kind of cute and was, again, intrigued by him. His sister was totally awesome to me and to this day I miss her. Again, I put him out of my mind because, well, after the marching band season was over, I reverted back to being in the middle school band.

( Oh, it gets dorkier. )

( The Meme )

I kept getting Stephen King even after four or five writing samples. I figure either the website was malfunctioning or my writing is pretty consistent. Finally, with something else I got these:









And this one I got with a bit from some unfinished short story I'd forgotten about. It's funny because it's got a zombie in it and I don't generally think of George Orwell when I think of zombies.

Stolen from demonicgerbil:

Go to wikipedia

1) First random article: This is your character

2) Second random article: This is his/her motivation

3) Third random article: This is their power

4) Last random article: This is your nemesis

1) Let There Be Love was an album of songs recorded by Joni James as airchecks[1], released by Jasmine Records on March 1, 1993.

2) Tony Romeo (born December 25, 1939, died June 23, 1995, New York) was an American songwriter.[1] He is famous for writing the No.1 hit "I Think I Love You" by The Partridge Family as well as many other hit records, mostly during the 1960s and 1970s.

3) The first USS Fairfield was a sloop-of-war in the United States Navy. Fairfield was launched 28 June 1828 by New York Navy Yard; and first put to sea 20 August 1828, Commander Foxhall A. Parker in command.

4) The Tyria (Greek: Τύρια) is a river in the western part of the Ioannina Prefecture in west-central Epirus, Greece not far from the Thesprotia prefectural boundary. It is a left tributary of the Thyamis.

After a tragic recording studio accident, government agents swooped in and carted away the sole survivor: a civilain now only known by her codename Let There Be Love. Fueled by a desire to possess every Tony Romero song ever created, she sails around the world in the fully-armed USS Fairfield with her side-kick (codename: So What Am I So Afraid Of). Together they seek out the evil Tyria before it can flood the world's music venues and erase every romantic ballad ever sung.