I've been quiet, I know. Truth be told, I'm having some serious anxiety issues that cropped up seemingly out of nowhere. Last night Sam had to put in some serious Supportive and Cuddly Boyfriend hours for which I'm thankful and can't really express how amazing he is and how much it meant to me. But really, I'll talk about the mental health stuff later, under a filter, because as much as I know I shouldn't be ashamed of something I can't really control, I still get embarrassed and feel like a failure to know that after everything, shit like this still happens. Granted, a hell of a lot has happened since the last time I really fell apart and broke down; however, that doesn't change the fact that it feels like I'm admitting defeat and that I'm not strong enough to be a "normal" person, whatever the fuck that means.
Ahem, yeah, I'll talk about it later under a filter if I can without upsetting myself all over again. I did cry last night, which sounds bad until you consider crying, no matter how little, is something I rarely do despite the fact that I know sometimes you just need a good cry. I do feel better today, which is a good thing considering I have to be social tonight.
I have mentioned that in addition to being an amazing chef, Sam's dad plays guitar and is in a band, haven't I? Oh, and that they've got a gig tonight for New Year's Eve? Well, he does and they do, and I get to go tonight along with Sam and his mother. In fact, I get to be there for the set up since I'm catching a ride with Sam's mom to the place (Sam's housesitting for a co-worker and will be meeting me there). I'm looking forward to it. As far as music goes, I guess you could say they do some of their own original folk music plus covers of songs by the Beatles, Pink Floyd, etc. (Sam's dad is a Beatle maniac and I've had the pleasure of hearing him play his guitar and sing "Here Comes the Sun" while hanging out at Sam's house over the summer, and yes the man can sing as well as he cooks. He also sang "Light Up My Room" by Barenaked Ladies, which I hope one day he'll actually record somehow so I can post it. Okay, enough of my tangent about the awesomeness that is my boyfriend's family.)
Given my anxiety levels, the idea of being in a restaurant/bar makes me a little fearful of panic attacks and/or general freak-outs. However, I have been in this place previously so it's a familar location (I know where entrances, exits, and bathrooms are), and Sam's mother will be there and she has the same general unease about crowds that I do, so even if she won't know that I'm in something of a bad spot right now, she will understand if I start getting on edge. Sam will be there too and probably other people I've met before. Also -- and this is meant to be funny and not indicative of anything -- I won't be driving, so I can imbibe alcohol of some sort while I'm there, which will be hilarious because these days I'm a lightweight since I drink once per year. Also, I prefer liquor and that tends to give me heartburn since I no longer have the digestive system of a twenty year-old. I'll probably have a martini or a glass or two of wine and then I'll be pleasantly buzzed. I hope. Then again, I might chicken out of drinking anything at all, who knows?
As for the kiddo, he gets to go hang out with Sam's youngest sister and her boyfriend at the local gaming store. They'll be playing some D&D, maybe, and various other games. There will be kids of all ages there, so he'll fit in and I know he likes the shop and he loves Sam's sister, so it's a win all around. He also has his shiny new Nintendo DS from Santa he can play. He'll spend the night at Sam's house while Sam and I go back to his coworker's house who he's house and pet-sitting for until Tuesday. (Yes, he did clear it with them before inviting me over.) Sasha will be staying overnight at Sam's parents' place too.
And, oh yeah, at midnight I turn 30. Woo, three decades. Tomorrow, Sam's parents' are having a little party. Really, it's supposed to be because we didn't get to have Christmas together and this is sort of a make-up Christmas dinner, but they're also making it about my birthday too. I kind of wish they wouldn't because I'm weird and don't think that A) people should be throwing me any sort of celebration no matter how small, and B) in spite of a couple of good years, I still have an overwhelmingly bad track record with birthdays, so I fear something going wrong. Then again, I have been promised good finger foods and CAKE
, so maybe it'll be okay.
So, Happy New Year to my friends' list, and Happy Birthday to me.