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jadedmusingsWhat's included in quotes is not attributed to any single individual. I have heard these arguments made time and time again from more people than I care to count, and the problems with such statements are discussed on a variety of feminist and progressive blogs. You are quite welcome to disagree with me, to dismiss me, whatever, but again, this is my life and my opinions will not change because I've experienced this and I've spent a lifetime learning so much about this. This is something I'm passionate about, but at the same time it's difficult for me to discuss without becoming emotionally involved, so chances are I'm not going to engage in debate much over this. I'm putting this out there not to argue, but to offer my experience and to maybe help others understand why just getting help isn't as cut and dried as doing. In short, I've said my piece with this and the following posts and I'm done for the night, perhaps for a long time. I won't fight anymore than this.
Over on another Social NetworkFar, Far Away, there's been talk about finding happiness/being happy and whether or not this is a choice people can actively make. In other words, do people choose to be miserable and/or ignore opportunities for happiness?
When the subject came up, it wasn't in a mental illness/mental health context, but it's honestly hard for me to view this question outside of that context because I dealt with so much bullshit surrounding this question. (However, I think even in the absence of mental illness I can't say that people actively choose misery over happiness, I really can't.) I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard, "You need to smile more," "You need to just cheer up," "Listen to happier music," "Eat peanut butter" (true story), "Just think happier thoughts/Be more positive," "Say positive things in front of a mirror," etc. I wish there was a stadium big enough for everyone who thinks this about Depression and other mental illness so that I could sit there and scream into a microphone over and over that IT'S. NOT. THAT. EASY.
I'm not sure what's more depressing: That people believe this stuff or that I actively tried doing all those things hoping it would work, that I could be Fixed (as if I'm some piece of machinery that's in need of repair) or Cured(TM). If it really was a question of just thinking more positively or putting on a happy face, there'd be a whole lot of therapist/psychiatrists out of work and I'd have been the Queen of Happy-Land in high school. If I'd had a choice between contemplating suicide, feeling hopeless to the point that I couldn't stop crying, or feeling happy or at least comfortable with my life, I'd have chosen the latter in a heartbeat.
A therapist once said "It's hard work to be happy," and I do hold to that. But wait, Jade! Didn't you just say that being happy or miserable isn't a choice someone makes? Yes, yes I did, which is why I have to add that my therapist meant this in the context of therapy and in the context of managing my depression. She also meant that the "work" was utilizing the skills I learned in therapy for how to navigate the bumps in the road I will always encounter in my life. To some extent, I can choose to use or not use those techniques, but even when I don't use them, I'm still not choosing to be miserable.
Confused yet? Yeah, I thought so.
Sometimes those techniques don't work, or at least they don't work to the degree that I need. Sometimes my brain decides that I'm just going to have to wait an episode out until whatever's going wrong passes. And sometimes, I just need to wallow in it for a little bit until I kick my own butt into gear to push through it.
But I still didn't choose to be unhappy. That choice was never, ever in my power to make. That option was taken away from me. And while I likely never would have been diagnosed with Depression or other mental illness as a child, I can sit here and tell you that I had the symptoms as a very young child, that certain events in my childhood made more sense once I realized that Depression wasn't just a matter of my environment but also a matter of the way my brain functions. (And I should note that these were somewhat subtle things that only I would have picked up on really, so no one dropped the ball on picking up on Depression in me as a child. Also, there was a time in my childhood that I did see a psychiatrist and get help for low self-esteem and to help me combat the damage done to me as a victim of bullying, but I never heard the word "depressed" or "depression" then.) That realization was such a relief to me because it meant that I wasn't some loser who just didn't try hard enough. I did try, sometimes harder than anyone else I knew, but you can't "fix" something that's not working if you don't have the tools or knowledge how.
And you know what? Even if I don't get help when I need it, or even when, to outsiders, it seems like I'm just wallowing in misery, I don't choose feeling this way. I don't enjoy it, I don't do it for attention, I don't like looking at my life and feeling like I'm failing everyone around me, I don't relish feeling like I'm a burden to those I care about. If it were a choice, I wouldn't ever succomb to it at all. And sometimes getting help or choosing to do things that might lead to happiness aren't such cut and dried choices. Also, just because you do choose to try and get better doesn't mean you will get better/get better in a decent time frame (more on that in part two).
And please don't take this to mean that I'm an unhappy person. I'm not. I might be a depressed person, but I always will be because I have Depression. This doesn't mean I'm not happy or that I can't be happy. I'm fortunate I got help years ago and that I have places to go when I need it (and I'll be honest, before the year is out I'll be in active therapy again because I need it as Shit Happens(TM) and this likely won't be the last time in my life I'll face this decision). But my being happy or unhappy wasn't really a choice I got to make. I do the work to make myself happy because I can and because I know how. Not everyone has that privilege --yes, I'm using that word because I am a privileged person in this regard--, and I'm incredibly lucky that some events worked out as well as they did so that I could experience happiness that I could know there was a way to live without the dark cloud of Depression always hanging over me.
I think ultimately it's harmful to say that happiness and misery are choices people can actively make. It ignores the many factors that affect how a person navigates life and it also ignores that we aren't all on an equal playing field with the same access to knowledge, health care, and support networks.
Over on another Social Network
When the subject came up, it wasn't in a mental illness/mental health context, but it's honestly hard for me to view this question outside of that context because I dealt with so much bullshit surrounding this question. (However, I think even in the absence of mental illness I can't say that people actively choose misery over happiness, I really can't.) I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard, "You need to smile more," "You need to just cheer up," "Listen to happier music," "Eat peanut butter" (true story), "Just think happier thoughts/Be more positive," "Say positive things in front of a mirror," etc. I wish there was a stadium big enough for everyone who thinks this about Depression and other mental illness so that I could sit there and scream into a microphone over and over that IT'S. NOT. THAT. EASY.
I'm not sure what's more depressing: That people believe this stuff or that I actively tried doing all those things hoping it would work, that I could be Fixed (as if I'm some piece of machinery that's in need of repair) or Cured(TM). If it really was a question of just thinking more positively or putting on a happy face, there'd be a whole lot of therapist/psychiatrists out of work and I'd have been the Queen of Happy-Land in high school. If I'd had a choice between contemplating suicide, feeling hopeless to the point that I couldn't stop crying, or feeling happy or at least comfortable with my life, I'd have chosen the latter in a heartbeat.
A therapist once said "It's hard work to be happy," and I do hold to that. But wait, Jade! Didn't you just say that being happy or miserable isn't a choice someone makes? Yes, yes I did, which is why I have to add that my therapist meant this in the context of therapy and in the context of managing my depression. She also meant that the "work" was utilizing the skills I learned in therapy for how to navigate the bumps in the road I will always encounter in my life. To some extent, I can choose to use or not use those techniques, but even when I don't use them, I'm still not choosing to be miserable.
Confused yet? Yeah, I thought so.
Sometimes those techniques don't work, or at least they don't work to the degree that I need. Sometimes my brain decides that I'm just going to have to wait an episode out until whatever's going wrong passes. And sometimes, I just need to wallow in it for a little bit until I kick my own butt into gear to push through it.
But I still didn't choose to be unhappy. That choice was never, ever in my power to make. That option was taken away from me. And while I likely never would have been diagnosed with Depression or other mental illness as a child, I can sit here and tell you that I had the symptoms as a very young child, that certain events in my childhood made more sense once I realized that Depression wasn't just a matter of my environment but also a matter of the way my brain functions. (And I should note that these were somewhat subtle things that only I would have picked up on really, so no one dropped the ball on picking up on Depression in me as a child. Also, there was a time in my childhood that I did see a psychiatrist and get help for low self-esteem and to help me combat the damage done to me as a victim of bullying, but I never heard the word "depressed" or "depression" then.) That realization was such a relief to me because it meant that I wasn't some loser who just didn't try hard enough. I did try, sometimes harder than anyone else I knew, but you can't "fix" something that's not working if you don't have the tools or knowledge how.
And you know what? Even if I don't get help when I need it, or even when, to outsiders, it seems like I'm just wallowing in misery, I don't choose feeling this way. I don't enjoy it, I don't do it for attention, I don't like looking at my life and feeling like I'm failing everyone around me, I don't relish feeling like I'm a burden to those I care about. If it were a choice, I wouldn't ever succomb to it at all. And sometimes getting help or choosing to do things that might lead to happiness aren't such cut and dried choices. Also, just because you do choose to try and get better doesn't mean you will get better/get better in a decent time frame (more on that in part two).
And please don't take this to mean that I'm an unhappy person. I'm not. I might be a depressed person, but I always will be because I have Depression. This doesn't mean I'm not happy or that I can't be happy. I'm fortunate I got help years ago and that I have places to go when I need it (and I'll be honest, before the year is out I'll be in active therapy again because I need it as Shit Happens(TM) and this likely won't be the last time in my life I'll face this decision). But my being happy or unhappy wasn't really a choice I got to make. I do the work to make myself happy because I can and because I know how. Not everyone has that privilege --yes, I'm using that word because I am a privileged person in this regard--, and I'm incredibly lucky that some events worked out as well as they did so that I could experience happiness that I could know there was a way to live without the dark cloud of Depression always hanging over me.
I think ultimately it's harmful to say that happiness and misery are choices people can actively make. It ignores the many factors that affect how a person navigates life and it also ignores that we aren't all on an equal playing field with the same access to knowledge, health care, and support networks.
