Need to vent in letter format.
May. 7th, 2010 06:17 pmI probably shouldn't post this. I'm sleep deprived, stressed out, and after a week of events that included the death of a beloved family pet (Ginger) and learning that my son's school is shutting down after this year (which makes moving all the more imperative), I'll admit my perspective is more than a little skewed. However, most of what I'm putting here has been brewing for months now. Oh well.
Dear people I game with:
I don't want to talk about Triumph. Ever. I might occasionally mention it here, but in general it doesn't feel me with warm fuzzies to remember that only one or two people ever cared that I left and that I couldn't get back in to the game when I re-applied recently. My only consolation is that I was slightly better than She Who Shall Not Be Named, and that's not all that much of a consolation all things considered. I especially don't want to be PMed to discuss the activities of someone who was accepted over me. Please, as stupid as it is, it really stings to be reminded of these things. No, I don't regret quitting as a GM, but I do feel hurt that I was told my character sheet was fine and made to feel hopeful about my chances of getting in only to be passed over.
Also, I rejoined Mechanika because, to be blunt, I have no other games and it gives me something to do, but after only two sessions I realize I should have stayed gone. My Paladin is great for rp, but in battle she's constanly outshone, and then last night we got another Warrior job joining the campaign and it's played by someone I have a not-so-good history with. That means save for the GM and two players, that entire campaign is full of people I really can't stand. That's actually kind of an accomplishment considering the list of people who I can't stand enough to game with is really short. Most everyone else I've enjoyed or can at least tolerate. Coming back to the battle thing, with a Fighter joining the ranks created by someone who knows how to work the system to be a damage tank, I think it's best I leave. And no, kicking that person out won't make me stay. At all. If anything it'll just make me feel even worse and more depressed than I already do. Sometimes things just don't work out and this is one of those times.
Of course, with 1601 floundering right out of the starting gate, this pretty much means that I've got nothing going on in the Returners/FFRPG community. Feeling left out of so much while my boyfriend is always invited to join things and has something going on nearly every single night leaves me less motivated to GM my own campaign. It was easier to GM when the work I was putting into it was being off-set by all the fun I was having getting to be a player. With my life as stressful as it is, it makes it harder to do the GM work when I've got no outlet to rp elsewhere. Sure, Ivalice is making a comeback, but it's been since February since I played Nevena regularly and it'll be another two or three weeks before I can maybe play her regularly again. Forgive me if after everything I don't feel inclined to hang my hopes on a maybe. (And please understand, Justin, this isn't a shot at you. It's really not my intention. I'm in a bad spot right now and just saying how I feel.)
Maybe if I got invited to anything anymore (and I don't mean through Sam -- I mean people actually talking to me, personally, and inviting me or telling me something is happening), or maybe if I hadn't apparently developed this reputation of being some horrible monster that people can't even talk to. I'm sorry that two years ago I was going through a lot of shit that I didn't bring up publicly save for the odd moment or two. There's been so much going on since then and I'm sorry that I am not the most open person when it comes to talking about my feelings with more than two or three people.
This week I've given serious consideration to bowing out and only sticking around IRC to be able to talk to Sam and two or three other people who are friends. I know Sam says he wants to game with me, but considering our track record with characters in the same campaign... *sighs* Yeah. And I do realize most of this is my fault, OK? So no need to start posting about how people are afraid to talk to me. I've heard it more than once and I fucking get it, all right?
On the plus side, if I leave I can throw some energy into writing and reading.
Just venting here,
Jade
Dear people I game with:
I don't want to talk about Triumph. Ever. I might occasionally mention it here, but in general it doesn't feel me with warm fuzzies to remember that only one or two people ever cared that I left and that I couldn't get back in to the game when I re-applied recently. My only consolation is that I was slightly better than She Who Shall Not Be Named, and that's not all that much of a consolation all things considered. I especially don't want to be PMed to discuss the activities of someone who was accepted over me. Please, as stupid as it is, it really stings to be reminded of these things. No, I don't regret quitting as a GM, but I do feel hurt that I was told my character sheet was fine and made to feel hopeful about my chances of getting in only to be passed over.
Also, I rejoined Mechanika because, to be blunt, I have no other games and it gives me something to do, but after only two sessions I realize I should have stayed gone. My Paladin is great for rp, but in battle she's constanly outshone, and then last night we got another Warrior job joining the campaign and it's played by someone I have a not-so-good history with. That means save for the GM and two players, that entire campaign is full of people I really can't stand. That's actually kind of an accomplishment considering the list of people who I can't stand enough to game with is really short. Most everyone else I've enjoyed or can at least tolerate. Coming back to the battle thing, with a Fighter joining the ranks created by someone who knows how to work the system to be a damage tank, I think it's best I leave. And no, kicking that person out won't make me stay. At all. If anything it'll just make me feel even worse and more depressed than I already do. Sometimes things just don't work out and this is one of those times.
Of course, with 1601 floundering right out of the starting gate, this pretty much means that I've got nothing going on in the Returners/FFRPG community. Feeling left out of so much while my boyfriend is always invited to join things and has something going on nearly every single night leaves me less motivated to GM my own campaign. It was easier to GM when the work I was putting into it was being off-set by all the fun I was having getting to be a player. With my life as stressful as it is, it makes it harder to do the GM work when I've got no outlet to rp elsewhere. Sure, Ivalice is making a comeback, but it's been since February since I played Nevena regularly and it'll be another two or three weeks before I can maybe play her regularly again. Forgive me if after everything I don't feel inclined to hang my hopes on a maybe. (And please understand, Justin, this isn't a shot at you. It's really not my intention. I'm in a bad spot right now and just saying how I feel.)
Maybe if I got invited to anything anymore (and I don't mean through Sam -- I mean people actually talking to me, personally, and inviting me or telling me something is happening), or maybe if I hadn't apparently developed this reputation of being some horrible monster that people can't even talk to. I'm sorry that two years ago I was going through a lot of shit that I didn't bring up publicly save for the odd moment or two. There's been so much going on since then and I'm sorry that I am not the most open person when it comes to talking about my feelings with more than two or three people.
This week I've given serious consideration to bowing out and only sticking around IRC to be able to talk to Sam and two or three other people who are friends. I know Sam says he wants to game with me, but considering our track record with characters in the same campaign... *sighs* Yeah. And I do realize most of this is my fault, OK? So no need to start posting about how people are afraid to talk to me. I've heard it more than once and I fucking get it, all right?
On the plus side, if I leave I can throw some energy into writing and reading.
Just venting here,
Jade