Precious and Fragile Things

The Awesome: I am officially a member of Steadfast guild over on Steamwheedle Cartel. It seemed a great fit for me and a good way to meet players and get myself involved in the game.

The Good: Poking around the guild's website, I see there are some great writers and role-players. It makes me motivated to read up on some more lore and maybe start putting up some writing here.

The Horror: I poked around WoW's website and glimpsed in the role-play forums there where anyone with an account can participate. It's been...an enlightening evening, and by enlightening I mean it makes Triumph look decent. At least no one's been surfing on a dragon yet?

Yeah.

And now to get my butt in bed. I've let my schedule get all turned around after the insomnia from the other week and now it's time to remedy that.

(I'm in full-on rant mode, so this is a rambly and kind of meandering post. I'm too pissed to be coherent, and I'm tired to boot. Tomorrow I have to be up early to cook dinner for Mom, kiddo, and me. Bah, humbug. Also, this is f-locked for now, but I'll probably make it public later.)

Some of you may already know this (if you're in the Returners community that is), but I wanted to make it official here. I quit Triumph as a GM last night. I'd already "retired" my character a couple of weeks ago. I could tell you that my offline life is about to get a bit busier, and while that is partially true, it's not the reason I quit. Quite frankly, I got tired of the bullshit.

What I am about to say is nothing that anyone on the GM team has not already heard. This should not come to a surprise to NinjaWeazel especially because I've been saying it for months now, and yet nothing has changed.

There's now been a few posts on the board of finger wagging from GMs who are also devs of FFRPG. They are complaining that the GMs are not running near enough sessions (true), there's been a huge breakdown of plot (also true), and there's not any communication happening among the GMs (not entirely true - I'll get to that). The fact that these people are complaining is not really the problem. The problem is that they're pointing the fingers at the GMs who have been trying to do the work and expecting us to suddenly give more than we already have been, all the while ignoring the fact that they've done virtually nothing in the last few months and even disappear for weeks at a time only to come back and complain that X, Y, or Z isn't happening.

What really gets to me is that suddenly everyone (that is, GMs who happen to have a developer title as well) are all fired up to fix everything. When I pointed out the hypocrisy of them voicing complaints on the board and acting like they're in charge, I get told by the Arbitrator (NinjaWeazel) that "Well, they have valid points too." Oh, I won't argue with that, but I will point out that those of us who have run a session in the last three months have been making all those points over and over again, and nothing was done. Suddenly when the devs come back after being away so long, it's time to fix it, and the Arbitrator steps up and says something, but that couldn't have happened months ago when the ones of us with less power said something.

Justin, Gull, Julian, and I have repeatedly said that there haven't been enough sessions, and we're the ones who actually try to do something about it. Doman has been in the thick of it too on occasion, and all these discussions have been had in a room where the Arbitrator is, and where he can read backscroll even if he's away. But again, nothing was done. Not even one single remark to the others who were not pulling any weight.

When Carl had to leave us for very valid personal reasons, he sort of left us in the lurch. We had notes, but since he had really been the one with the road map, we were left to flounder. No one wanted to take over the job of Head GM, and no one forced a vote. We didn't really have any direction, and even I spoke up then and said that it would not work this way, that there would either be too many hands at the helm pulling us in different direction, or (as it turned out to be) people would dally around waiting for Carl to come back/other people to advance the plot. I wasn't the only one who felt this way, but it was brushed off yet again, and there was brainstorming and then...nothing.

I threw myself into the zombie plot. I pushed for things to happen, and I tried my best to plan it so as to give us plenty of ways to advance the plot and end Chapter 2. I did a surprise session, and then I paused the timeline for seven days to give players the chance to get a slice of the action, and to give the GMs seven whole days to run one. I made a post about this on the forum several days before Z-Day so that everyone on the GM team had a heads up. During the pause, the two devs who are now complaining the loudest did not run a single session, or even really say one thing or another apart from a "I like this plan" post to the boards and a couple of comments on IRC. I spent some time on IRC repeatedly saying that if we didn't take this opportunity to light a fire under our collective asses, all our plans would be for nothing. As it happened, it's falling apart again and hardly any sessions are being run.

Now, I'm forced to read the boards as two GMs who did nothing for the zombie plot start wagging their fingers and trying to act like they're in charge, one of whom disappears for weeks at a time and only shows up to complain that there's nothing on the boards. Well, there's nothing on the boards because the most active among us do our brainstorming and plotting in the IRC room, which is what it's there for. We don't post it to the board, true, but that's because we have talked about it, and again, we don't hear from the others except every few days or weeks, so we hardly even know if they're participating until they show up and actually do something.

Oh, but when they say something - even if it's the same thing some of us have been saying for months, and saying it to the Arbitrator no less - suddenly it's time for action. Suddenly everyone wants to fix things, and they want me to Do Something about it. Suddenly the Arbitrator makes a post, and now there's punitive action being planned, but not too harsh because, hey, this guy made some valid points despite his hyprocrisy. Oh yeah, we know you made those same points, but now it's important. (That's not what is being said, of course, but that's what it looks and feels like.)

I thought my experience meant something. I have GMed in a guild-game setting previously, and I have GMed my own campaign, as well as participated in various others that failed for one reason or another. I know a good many names in the community, and I know who to push and who needs to be reined in. I watched others on the GM team express concern and outright say that this was a sinking ship, and I said it with them. And I watched as nothing was done. But now that things are happening and suddenly there's boots appearing in people's asses, I see that what I offered didn't really matter.

That's why I resigned.

(Of course now I get the added joy of dealing with friction in my relationship too because the Arbitrator is my boyfriend. So that's another reason I finally called it quits. It's just not worth it.)

There's this player in Triumph who I've known since the Guild Perilous days, and I know of him via other sources. He came up this morning while discussing the possibility of another cull in Triumph between another GM and me. Here's how things usually play out:

GM Team: "We're going to do a cull. If you're under level X by Y date, we're removing you from the active players' list. Contact us and let us know when you can play."

Player: "Don't cut me! I can play! Here, I'll be here on X, Y, and Z dates!"

GM Team: "Fine, you're spared."

* Player does the bare minimum to survive the cull, then disappears again.

Nice GM: "Hey, um, I notice you're falling behind again. Can you make X session at Y time? I'm doing this specifically for you."

Player: "If you make it after nine, sure. I'll be there."

Nice GM: "Done."

* Player doesn't show.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

And it's not just Triumph. This person did this in a non-guild game as well if memory serves. (There are four of you who know who this is, three of whom were in that non-guild game with him.) We're probably going to be culling again soon, and I'm betting he's going to pop up out of the blue again and claim he still wants to play.

Man, I swear I could write a whole series of posts about the different types of players and how none of them have really changed since I've known them.

Taken directly from the #TriumphOOC room last night:

<LordSaanjun> Hey, in case a GM is listening who hasn't already heard me bitch? I feel like the IM thing tonight was a bad call.
<LordSaanjun> I disagree with your interpretation of the IM rules, straight up, and I feel like you came down too hard on me.
<LordSaanjun> I don't want to make a big stink over this, but Julian said I should air the grievance in the open, so I am doing such.
<Lucia`> Hm?
<Bran> Hi.
<LordSaanjun> Just so people know.
<LordSaanjun> I don't even really want to talk a lot more about it tonight because I'll probably say something fucking retarded.
<LordSaanjun> So you guys can discuss that amongst yourselves.

I think saying something publicly was "fucking retarded" to use your words, but I'm one of the GMs who should feel so ashamed for disagreeing with your perfect intrepetation of the IM rules, so what could I possibly know?

How did we come down too hard on you? By telling you no? I'm sorry if your precious ego can't handle being told you can't do one little IM stunt, but for you act like this about it is beyond ridiculous. I know how old you are and I just can't believe someone who graduated college would have this big of an entitlement complex. No, you don't get a free pass because you have some dev cred. You're not a GM of Triumph and, to be blunt, your handling of GP was pretty damned appalling, so really? I don't think you have any room to speak on how the GM team should handle anything.

You don't want to make a big stink over this, yet you posted it in the public room for players and GMs to see it? And I'm so glad you gave us permission to discuss it amongst ourselves. I mean, until you said something, I didn't realize I was an adult capable of thinking about this complex issue all by myself. Since you did so, allow me to make a big stink over this.

You wanted to use an IM version of Pep Up to help Julian's AC. To spare some confusion, I'll post what Pep Up is here:

Pep Up (1 MP)
Target: Single
Type: Recovery
Reflectable: Yes

The caster transfers their life force into the target in the form of a glorious golden beam. Pep Up restores a single target to its maximum HP value; after the effects of Pep Up have been resolved, the Caster is automatically reduced to 0 HP, regardless of their current HP score.

The hang up, as I understood it was that very last line there: "..the Caster is automatically reduced to 0 HP, regardless of their current HP score." You wanted to do a "part-way" Pep Up so that your character wouldn't wind up KO'ed. Julian said no, but to be sure he asked the other GMs present, and we all said no as well because, quite frankly, we don't see any way you can do a partial Pep Up. The spell itself only costs one magic point to start with, and there's not a whole lot of wiggle room when the spell lays it out on the line that regardless of your HP, you are reduced zero hit points when the casting is done. It'd be different if we were talking about, say, White Wind as that spell doesn't reduce your hit points when it's over.

Now, some people when being told no either accept that they can't do what they desired and drop it, or they ask "What can I do instead that would acheive the same goal?" You, however, decided to go off on us and pretty much tell us we're abunch of morons who don't understand how Intuitive Magic actually works. You want to know what you could have done differently? Here, I asked NinjaWeazel (arbitrator of Triumph, which means he has the final say in everything), to explain why he felt we were in the right to tell you no and what else you could have done instead (please overlook the typos as this was late at night and over IRC):

[01:05:18] <JadeNSC> can I ask you to expand on why you mentioned White Wind and why Saan shouldn't have intuitive healing magic?
[01:08:51] <Wystan> Sure. Intuitive Magic needs certain types of spells to give it the proper keyword. I.E you need to know Fire before you can IM lighting a candle. White WInd I mentioned specifically because its the one ABLU spell that is Type: Recovery I can think of that doesn't also involve screwing yourself over, i.e Pep Up, or draining damage, i.e. Red Feast or whatever its called now.
[01:09:14] <JadeNSC> Still Red Feast.
[01:09:20] <JadeNSC> But thanks. ^_^;
[01:09:51] <Wystan> If he had been like 'hey can I Pep Up the dragon and pass out momentarily insteadof KOing myself since there is no real HP damage' that would have been one thing.
[01:09:55] <Wystan> but it was 'hay can I Pep Up except not actually'
[01:10:07] <Wystan> and people were in the right to tell him no
[01:11:25] <Wystan> or even if he had Red Feasted like 'hey I would like to wound-transfer that booboo from the dragon to me' that wouls also have been A-OK.

My god. He makes it sound so simple. And yes, I got his permission to quote him.

You know, this wouldn't be so bad if we didn't take flak from several players all the damn time. This right here is just one example from one player. And all we did was tell him no, but everytime we do this people act like we've committed some sort of horrific crime and are holding their precious characters back. The only reason I'm calling Saanjun out by name right now is because he made it public himself and he did it at a time when most of the GMs were already in bed or didn't want to talk on the matter. In short, he said something when we weren't able to explain our side of the story to the other players, thereby making himself out to be some sort of victim. Yeah, I don't play that way.

Next time you think we GMs are having all kinds of fun and that we're being mean to you specifically? I'm going to link to this and several other examples of when we are outright disrespected. Please people, it's only a game. Get over yourselves and move on.

It appears that people are afraid to talk to me. Again.

OK, not so much afraid as not knowing if it's fine to talk to me. Somehow I've garnered this reputation as being a bit on the rude side, and several other things about myself have been misinterpreted. Why is this happening? I have a couple of theories thanks to some chatter with a couple of other people last night.

I do not make myself accessible. - Well, the problem is that from my point-of-view, I do make myself very accessible. I don't hide my contact information on my forum profile (the little widgets at the end of all my posts), and if I'm online, I'm on IRC and I'm in the Triumph rooms as well as #returners. If people want to say something to me, all they have to do is say "Jade" or even one of my character names and it'll trigger my highlight. I may not be able to respond right that minute, but I do pay attention when my name is called. Otherwise, I'm off in my own little world/doing stuff around the house, so I don't always read the room.

No, I'm not like EK or a couple of the other GMs. I'm a pretty private person and I do keep myself walled-off. There are reasons for this, and after what happened with Elisha, I haven't exactly been eager to even try to make new friends. However, if I'm in the room and do try to participate in some chat, I am being friendly and nice. Yet, what people remember are the times I intervene to tell people to be nice to one another, or to back off when they're getting close to playing at being a GM/being rude. I suppose this may make it seem like I'm harsh or that I bite (OK, technically I do bite, but only one person), but that's the consequences of being the peacekeeper and an authority figure.

I really don't see me changing. I'm sorry, I'm not going to come in offering smiles and chocolate. I don't have the energy to be openly welcoming of everyone I meet, nor will I open up my life to complete strangers. It just doesn't happen that way, and I am not about to make myself uncomfortable to soothe a few egos. I'm nice, but this isn't the snugglenets and I can't please everyone or be friends with everyone.

I'm explosive. - When provoked and pushed too far, yes, yes I can be quite explosive. However, I rarely "explode," and when I do it's not without reason. See, the thing about me being "walled off," means that only a few people get to see what leads to those moments. If you're only context is seeing me go off on someone, then you don't know that the person I'm chewing out has probably been getting to me for months beforehand, or that a situation has been brewing for weeks. I have an incredible amount of patience, but while my fuse is long, it is not infinite.

Furthermore, since it bears repeating, I am a very sarcastic person. Keep this in mind when reading how I talk, and if there's a :p emoticon at the end of my sentence, it means my tongue is firmly implanted in my cheek.

Last night? I pointed out what Ray said about having a "better session" to go to, but it wasn't just that. It was that I'd posted at least a couple of days ago asking people to tell me when they could be there rather than me trying to plan my session without their input. I got hardly any respondants, and it was the same with the original posting of the redux thread (until the day before the session was supposed to run, I only had two sign ups - not what I'd call enthusiastic response). I've been feeling that I can't keep people interested, so why bother? The result? My entire plot arc is now gone because I don't feel the desire to keep going. I can only be kicked so much before I say screw it and move on.

If you think I'm mean... - I hate putting this in here, but I am one of the nicest people in the Returners community (second to Justin). Yes, I have butted heads with people, but again, those moments came after a long build up of aggravation. In three years I'm amazed I don't hate more members than I do, and as it is I can count them on one hand. Really, you'd much rather deal with me on a bad day than NinjaWeazel, and he's my boyfriend. I'd use Elisha as an example if he were involved much anymore, but you get my point.

I'm taking a break from actively GMing. I'm still on the team, but I'm going to be doing behind-the-scenes stuff, possibly seeing if I can't tie threads made by some GMs together to weave a story. I'll be around to help police the channel(s) when it's needed and to help with crafting rolls and what-not, but running actual sessions won't be happening. Yes, I know there is a lack of sessions as it is, but after everything I posted, you'll excuse me if I can't force myself to keep getting beat back down.

One day someone will find me under my desk curled into a fetal position with a bottle of vodka clutched tightly in my hands. I will be muttering about detatchable heads, surfboard-shaped dragons, and gelatenous animal companions. I have accepted that this will be my fate as long as I continue to GM for Triumph, and I think it wise to document part of what will drive me to my inevitable insanity.

[11:08:32] <Ray> Can you also handwave the cost for a suit of an animal companion? >.> >:)
[11:08:45] <JadeNSC> How big is Diamar?
[11:08:57] <Ray> 2m20, tail to nose.
[11:09:01] <Ray> *tailbase.
[11:09:34] <Ray> (A few heads bigger than the average human when standing upright.)
[11:10:23] <JadeNSC> ...and yet big enough to be a Mount?
[11:10:26] <JadeNSC> and flying?
[11:10:38] <Ray> (( About the size of a pony))
[11:10:50] <Ray> Just a bit smaller than Silvia.
[11:10:51] <Arcomage> I'm pretty sure that dragons are something of a social taboo at dinnerparties with or without a suit, Ray. :P
[11:10:55] <Ray> :P
[11:10:58] <JadeNSC> But Raskalius is a fully-grown human male?
[11:11:01] <Aerdan> Logic? In *my* Final Fantasy?
[11:11:03] <Ray> Yes. >.>
[11:11:29] <Ray> It's the same as Gideon riding on Finnegan. No logix.
[11:11:34] <JadeNSC> Dude, that's...um, yeah, not very logical.
[11:11:35] <Arcomage> Raskalius doesn't ride her like a horse. He rides her like a surfboard. A flying surfboard.
[11:11:39] <JadeNSC> Gideon is a *Dwarf*.
[11:11:46] <Ray> And what Arc said.
[11:11:49] <JadeNSC> And goats can get pretty big.
[11:11:59] <Ray> So can Ponies. >.>
[11:12:10] <Aerdan> Arcomage: ...
[11:12:10] <Ray> I ride my sis's horse from time to time. She has a pony.
[11:12:41] <JadeNSC> OK, here's what I'm going to say before my head implodes: Diamar doesn't need clothing.
[11:12:50] <Ray> Yay. >.>
[11:14:00] <Ray> Raskalius doesn't ride her like a horse. He rides her like a surfboard. A flying surfboard. <--- This is so going into the char sheet.

I think it's high time to state I was experiencing temporary insanity when I accepted this voluntary position.

Apparently, the fact that there are women who enjoy tabletop rpgs and gaming in general is still fascinating. Here's what happened tonight when I nicked up under my GM moniker for my Triumph session in front of a newcomer to the community:

[19:10:40] * JadeNSC is now known as MistressGM
[19:10:44] <Lucia`> I think Kate might have left to get some groceries.
[19:10:46] <Desmond> Maybe she is eating
[19:11:00] <MistressGM> Well, I'm not going to keep people waiting.
[19:11:13] <Cidsama> a Female GM? O_O
[19:11:17] <ArianCougar> ...
[19:11:23] <CuppaCoffee> Stop.
[19:11:26] <CuppaCoffee> Like, right now. >_>
[19:11:27] <ArianCougar> Wow, you're just *swimming* in tact today.
[19:11:28] * Lucia` smacks Cid.
[19:11:39] <Cidsama> Well not like it says Genders on here...
[19:11:49] <CuppaCoffee> There are women on the internet. Get over it.
[19:11:49] <ArianCougar> That's not an excuse.
[19:11:56] * Joins: CeltREI (CeltREI@72-56-178-209.pools.spcsdns.net)
[19:12:11] <Cidsama> yes I know women are on the net...
( It continues after the cut. )

Yeah, they did sort of rake him over the coals, but apparently he's caused trouble before. I'm rather proud of them, actually. I wish I'd spotted him talking right off the bat, but I was busy prepping in another room, otherwise I would have been a bit harder on him than I was.

Dear Triumph Players,

It may have occurred to you by now that we are not running a pre-school or daycare center. The fact that we have a "PG-13" rule in place does not mean we expect you to act as though you are under thirteen years of age - quite the opposite, in fact. What we really want you to do is act reasonably mature and show respect to your fellow players and GMs. Seeing as most of us are given to moments where we act like we have the mental maturity of a twelve year-old who has just discovered National Geographic shows pictures of boobs, our definition of "maturity" boils down to "please don't post any links to tubgirl or goatcse, thanks." However, it would seem a few of you haven't quite left the playground and feel it necessary to fulfill the role of tattle-tale and GM's pet.* Don't believe me? Well, I give you Exhibit A, a /query I got this afternoon:

[14:05:47] <Tattler> I was wondering, is it allowed to choose the same Attribute to increase twice in a row?
[14:06:01] <Tattler> In other words, Level 2 you take +1 Str, then level 3 +1 Str.
[14:06:39] <JadeNSC> No. It is in the rule book you can't update the same attribute twice in a row.
[14:07:04] <JadeNSC> You can do level 2 +1 STR, then do +1 VIT for level 3, and then come back to STR for level 4.
[14:07:26] <Tattler> Yea, I figured. So a level 3 char can only have Racial Max +1 for it's Attribute?
[14:07:48] <JadeNSC> Yes, assuming he/she started out at the racial max at level 1.
[14:07:58] <Tattler> The reason I'm asking is because [Player] might have made a mistake, upping Vit twice in a row.
[14:08:28] <JadeNSC> I'll take a look.
[14:08:44] <Tattler> Thanks. Just wanted to let you know.

We currently stand at fifty accepted players. Quite a few of them have played and gone up at least to level two by now. The fact that someone can go through all those sheets and tell me at only level three that someone has broken a rule - one that is only possible to first break at level three - tells me a great deal about the tattler. I am forced to believe that either you have way more time on your hands than is healthy given that this means you went through several player sheets searching for possible errors so you can get players in trouble (though what sort of trouble that is remains to be seen), or I start to think you might have a personal grudge against said player. Either of these are bad, the latter moreso because grudgewank is only fun when it does not directly affect me and I don't have to do anything other than sit back and laugh. The former is simply pathetic. Both are really annoying. Can you guess why I am displeased?

To the players who don't know or think we won't catch on when it comes to increasing attributes, allow me to quote from page 35 of Chapter 2: "Characters receive 1 Attribute Point every time they gain a Level. This may be allocated to any of the character’s six Attributes, provided that Attribute Points are not spent on the same Attribute two Levels in a row and that the increase does not raise the Attribute above the character’s Attribute Cap." Yes, it is a rule, and yes, we will enforce it. We may not catch on right away, but in later levels, it will become painfully obvious who has broken this rule and who hasn't. It's called basic math, and with wikispaces handy little history feature that highlights changes on a page after editing, we can go back and see exactly what you changed and when. Please, don't be stupid. It makes us sad.

To the players who think it's a good idea to tattle on other players, or who think it's their duty to check over other people's sheets: 1) Get a life. 2) You are doing our job and overstepping a big line. Stop it now before we smack you.

Finally, please do come to us with legitimate complaints. If a person is having a trouble with IC/OOC information bleed, we would like to know. If a player is threatening your character, we want to know. If a PC is inserting himself/herself into your plot, or you just want them to back off and they can't take a hint, go to the GM team and we will handle it; it's why we get the big sticks. Don't go looking to get others into trouble. If they're bad players, they'll get their comeuppance, trust me. I've been in two guild games (three if you count Silvertech, but that's putting Silvertech down in a big way), one of those I GMed in myself. I kind of know what to expect when it comes to PC douchebaggery, and I won't tolerate it.

Now, stop trying to kiss-up to us.

Your GM,

Jade

* = There are currently no GM pets, and you should be very glad for that. Besides, if I did have a pet, I can only think of one player who would want to be it as he knows I don't think of brown-nosing kiss-ups when I hear the term.

Dear Perspective Players of Triumph,

When going through the submission process, it is highly likely that the GM team may ask you to change a few things about your character. We do this for several different reasons, but mostly it's to prevent people from doing what is known as min-maxing or twinking, or to prevent them from unintentionally breaking our planned plot.

Should you find yourself being told to change certain aspects of your character's build and/or background, we will tell you what's wrong and why it's wrong. If this happens to you, the proper response is to fix what we have asked you to fix, or to maybe ask us questions as to what might be more acceptable. The worst thing you can do is refuse to change and tell us why we're the ones in the wrong. It's even worse for you to do this for a second and third time after we've politely explained yet again what is wrong, why it is wrong, and why we will not budge on the issue.

Let me put this another way: You are not entitled to play in Triumph. Heck, you're not even entitled to submit a character. If you show yourselves to be a defiant little pipsqueak, we will decide that you are not worth the potential headache and reject you outright.

Furthermore, telling one of the two nicest GMs on the team that he's being mean to you makes us want to put you in far less delicate hands. You only think you've dealt with a jerk. You haven't seen anything yet.

The dev team of FFRPG have not and will not make any money off this fun little game you're playing. The GMs are not getting paid for this. We all have real lives we tend to every day, and we juggle our real-life responsibilities, relationships, school, and, at least in my case, parenting. We take time out of our busy schedules to create a plot, build a world for you to play in, approve/reject characters, help characters improve, answer questions regarding rules or the setting, and we plan and run sessions. We do this because we enjoy it, not because we're under any obligation to do it, and not a single one of us has to put up with more crap than we want to. That includes bad attitudes.

I understand you want to play. I understand your eagerness. However, a little politeness and consideration on your part for what we're doing for you would go a very long way toward inspiring us to keep this campaign going and to make it more fun for you.

And for the love of whatever-deity, please wait more than 24 hours before asking us if your character has been reviewed.

Your GM,

Jade

Zoe is still here. The vet said her muscles are weak from non-use and she's not using them because she's old and arthritic. He gave her a shot of anti-inflammatory medicine and gave me a ten-day supply of pain medicine to give her twice per day. At the end of those ten days, we'll evaluate whether she's doing better or about the same. If she's better, we'll continue on the pain pills until that's no longer doing the trick. If she's about the same or worse...well, then it'll be time to say good-bye. Either way, the vet said that pretty soon she just isn't going to be able to go anymore, but as long as she's still eating and drinking we can try the pain stuff. She has been able to get up and move around a little better since the shot and a dose of pain meds today, and her appetite is good. Now it's just a matter of wait and see.

Kiddo's speech therapist apparently has the plague along with her two kids, so he didn't have speech today after missing both sessions last week due to us having the plague. I told her not to worry (she sounded awful on the phone and I felt so bad for her, mostly because I was there a few days ago myself). He spent the day with Mom and had a blast as usual. I'm hoping he'll be easy to settle down for bed tonight. I think I might ask him to play a round of Mario Kart with me shortly.

I'm writing again. I'm not happy with what I've written, but I'll keep going anyway just to get it done with. It'll be posted to jade_inspired, but will be f-locked due to adult themes. I think it's going to be horrible really, but eh, it's something more than the nothing I've written for a while.

Still questioning my sanity over agreeing to GM in Triumph, but I guess I'm still willing to give it a shot. I've already had to issue a couple of warnings about subject matter in the OOC room (there is a "PG-13" rule in place), but so far no one's really protested. I haven't heard any rumblings of favoritism or anything like that. Then again we haven't really officially started yet, so I guess I better not hold my breath there. The real test will come when I have to exercise my GM muscle to make a tough decision.

I've got a lot on my mind. Grieving a friendship and beating myself up over my own stupidity for one thing, but that's something for a filter or for me to keep to myself. I also find myself drifting away from some people because I find that as I'm changing, I don't mesh quite so well anymore. Of course, that could just be because I've been so cranky the last few days.

Ok, well I'm off to do more writing, do some GM stuff, and possibly soak in a hot bath.