I Watch This Stuff so You Don't Have To

As I said on Twitter, tonight I finally got a Netflix account. (Why yes, I do live under a rock, why do you ask?) With it I get a wide variety of movies, documentaries, and television shows that I can download instantly on my computer or Wii.

Sam and I, being the sophisticated movie connoisseurs we are, chose only the highest quality of movie for our first viewing: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus, a movie seen on such prestigous cable channels as SyFy.

You guys, oh my god. Oh my god, you guys. Words cannot express how beautiful and amazing this masterpiece is. With a cast full of big names as Deborah Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, and Some Other People You've Never Heard Of (Because We Blew Our Budget on Gibson and Lamas), you know you're in for a treat.

The story (not that you really care): Millions of years ago, at the start of the Ice Age, the Mega Shark and Giant Octopus were having an epic throw downs to end all throw downs. So caught up in their desire to kill one another, the duo didn't realize they were being slowly frozen in ice. Fast-forward to the present day and some quasi-military person doing experiments around some giant iceberg that makes it fall apart/explode. Naturally this happens to be the same iceberg in which our dueling sea creatures are sealed.

After the two are freed from their iceberg prison, the octopus does what any respectable monster with tentacles would do. He attacks an oil rig. In Japanese waters. Much to my disappointment, there were no oil riggers in school uniforms. The shark possesses a more sophisticated palate and opts to reach higher for his food.



Yes, that is the scene as it appears in the movie, less than half an hour in even. The gif does not do it justice for it is much too awesome to be confined by these few pixels. In fact, anything less than a movie screen would be unable to show the awesomeness to its full effect. Alas, I myself had to settle for my television screen.

Mega Shark then decides that while Generic Airline's stewardesses are tasty, what he really needs is a US Naval Destroyer Battleship. (The movie says Destroyer, Sam, who was actually in the Navy, tells me the footage showed a Battleship.) To be fair to the shark, the Navy shot at him first.

As far as plot goes, well, there is one, it's just not important I just didn't pay much attention to it. I mean, really, did you see that gif? Who needs a plot? There's a romance plot, and it's only after Gibson's character and the Japanese scientist hookup in a love scene that made them look like awkward teenagers rather than adult professionals that they figure out how to lure each monster into a trap: Pheremones! Of course it fails and Mega Shark takes out the Golden Gate Bridge. This leads to one stellar exchange:

"How do you know they'll take the bait?"
"They've been frozen in ice for millions of years. Wouldn't you be horny?"

This movie. Is. Astounding.

Honestly, the human characters aren't that important. Lamas's character is there just be an asshole who fucks things up for everybody else, though to give him credit he serves as the catalyst for bringing all the scientists together. Emma MacNeil's (Gibson) mentor is supposed to be Irish, though his accent is all over the place. I only really know he's Irish because he's a recovering alcoholic, talks about "The luck o' the Irish," and is Catholic. Yeah. And as far as the Japanese scientist/romantic interest goes, well, he's really only there to fuel the romance angle...and to come in with his submarine to save the other guys from the shark's clutches in the end.

The acting is, as you imagine, is stellar. Most of Gibson's acting involves close up of her face as she either smiles, rolls her eyes, or makes a face. Lamas isn't acting so much as reading his grocery list, and everyone else might have been related to the director in some form or another because they weren't picked for their talent.

The ending: Shark and Octopus finish what they started eons ago and kill one another. The good guys win, all the characters live, including the asshole (which is a shame because I was thinking he might at least get tentacle whipped or something), and Deborah Gibson goes on to star in Mega Python Vs Gatoroid on SyFy (you can't make this up).

Final Thoughts: A movie so apallingly bad as to be hilarious.

Also available on Netflix: A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (You know I have to check this out at some point.)

And the Award for Mother of the Year Goes To...

...someone who is not me.

I mentioned on Twitter that the kiddo spent his weekend in bed with a mild fever and stuffy head. Even though he was doing better by Sunday evening, I kept him home from school yesterday just to be safe and so he could go 24 hours without a fever. Yesterday evening the kiddo was back to his old self for the most part, and he felt well enough to joke around with Sam and me.

This morning, I get the kiddo up for school, and while he got out of bed with no problem, getting dressed was another story. He fussed immediately and said he felt sick, acting like he might vomit at any minute. Now, I already knew that there is a stomach virus that's going around the school, so I erred on the side of caution and told the kiddo that I'd let him stay home for a couple of hours; however, if he didn't start running a fever and/or throwing up, he was going to school. What followed was two hours of the kiddo trying to play games, flopping around on the couch, and in general Not Being Sick. Both Sam and I figured he just didn't want to go to school. So, when 9:00 AM rolled around, we packed up and headed for school.

When we got to the school, I noticed he seemed a little sluggish, so I asked him if he felt sick. "No. I feel good," which normally means all is well. I explained to the secretary and his teacher that he had been sick all weekend and that I kept him in this morning since he said he'd felt sick, but seeing as he wasn't vomiting or running fever, I brought him in. Everyone seemed to agree this was a great idea. The teacher mentioned she had seven students out yesterday and five today, and even the secretary apparently spent the weekend in bed due to this stomach virus.

Fifteen minutes later I pulled up to the house only to have Sam meet me at the door. "The school called. Not two minutes after you left, he puked. A lot." Cue me scrambling back to the truck and doing my best to get back to the school ASAP. When I got there, he was lying down in the nurse's office looking very miserable. I, of course, have been feeling so, so, so guilty.

The nurse reassured me that I had done the right thing and that the kiddo wasn't running a fever (she checked it after he got sick and then again before we left, it was normal). Once we got home, the kiddo gravitated toward the television and right now he's playing video games. Had he not gotten sick at school, I'd still suspect him of feigning sick so he could just stay home. Knowing how stomach viruses treat me and how he was last year when he had one, I bet he'll keep acting fine until the next time his stomach decides to heave its contents.

So, yeah, this weekend was rough and this week is shaping up to be..."lovely."