Oh, Twitter, you bring me so many lulz.

Pro-tip: Following me on Twitter isn't terribly likely to get me to read your self-published novel. I follow writers because I happen to enjoy writing and want to some day put that talent (if you can call it that) to use. The authors I follow happen to be authors whose works I admire and enjoy thoroughly (Keri Arthur, Steven Brust, Neil Gaiman, Stacia Kane, etc.). None of them followed me first. In fact, none of them follow me back and that's okay because I know they're busy people (though I am prone to squealing like a fangirl anytime I get a response).

Furthermore, if you include excerpts from your novel, might I suggest links to actual passages rather than single Twitter-length lines? Then again, I'm not sure how you can improve upon "Not a wine rack. His swine rack. Ol' Bert likes to get jiggy with a piggy." Shakespeare would weep at the beauty contained within those 140 characters. (Not really.)

Other lines I'm reading on your feed:

My face met the window with a sick thunk and I felt important bones shatter.
The fist withdrew with a ghastly, slurping sound like twisted gristle expelled from a turkey baster.
And the sound of wet slurping just below my ear ripped a primal scream from my fractured core...

Also, a vampire novel titled Juice? Not sure if want. (No, I'm pretty much decided this is in my DO NOT WANT file.)

...and I clicked on your link and you have a sound file embedded in your webpage. What is this, 1998?

Okay, Okay, I just started looking over this guy's website. Lawls! This will need its own post.

ETA: A new line was posted just now. "I scratched my crotch and noticed the SUV next to me. A gorgeous female eyed me with a sly smirk." Oh, baby! Nothing gets me hotter than a man inappropriately scratching himself in public next to his SUV! I'm getting the vapors!

And this is why no one takes self-published authors seriously.

So I checked out the author's website for his novel. I know it's a man not because there's a picture of him on the website or because his name is Michael. No, the "story overview" page told me he was male, and I'm not referring to the three(!) animated ads for "Desktop Strippers" either. Dude, I know your novel is self-published, but even self-published authors ought to have at least a thin veneer of professionalism, particularly if you're trying to entice women like me into reading your not-a-vampire-novel vampire novel. (No, that's how it's described, only I make it funny.)

Anyway, the Story Overview page includes pictures from Google image searches of half-naked women among a couple of gruesome images of a mutilated head and a corpse in an advanced state of decomposition. And then there's the overview itself. Reading between the lines I get, "I've never had a meaningful relationship with a woman because I can't think of them as anything other than a place to put my dick."

( Weak snarking under here. )

I'm not sure whether I should laugh or weep over the fact that this novel is 130,000+ words.

I'm done. Just done. Go check it out if you like. (And if you read the reviews page, note how many people are from the same town and how all of them are from the Southeast. Family and friends praising your work? Nah, I totally believe this guy is that brilliant of a writer. Yeeeeeah.)