Stop running to the altar!
Jun. 10th, 2009 04:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadedmusingsThe subject of marriage came up somewhere and there was some very mild debate on how much time should pass before a person should expect a marriage proposal. It seems more than a few people have the opinion that a year is enough time, and that if you don't know by then, something's wrong. Those of you who know me will know that I firmly disagree with this and, in fact, I think one year is an incredibly short amount of time to be in a relationship.
I suppose now at my ancient age of twenty-eight-and-a-half years old (she said with her tongue firmly implanted in her cheek) that I have a different perspective than someone, say, twenty-three or younger. I know that life happens and that you can never predict what road it's going to take. I know that I was with someone for three years, and it didn't work out. I know that I was with someone for five years (roughly), had a child with him, and it still didn't work out. I know I've seen marriages last anywhere from a couple of years to twenty years before they ended in divorce. I've seen people marry right out of high school or college, and I've seen it fail miserably, but then again I can tell you I know someone who married under the age of twenty and who is still married and happy eleven years later. I've talked to a man in his early sixties recovering from his third divorce who told me, "By this point, I honestly believe it's just luck." I've read the special interest stories in the newspapers of couples celebrating fifty or sixty years together, and their big secret is the joke "Never go to bed angry."
Knowing all of this I have but one question to ask: What's your hurry?
If you plan to marry someone, you plan to be with them forever or "'til death do you part," right? Why do you have to immediately rush to the altar? Why not hold off a bit? Let's say two years. Two years is enough time to get out of the "honeymoon" period in most relationships, and if after the rose-colored glasses of lust and infatuation disappear you still want to be with that person, then maybe you ought to give it a shot. However, there's nothing wrong with dating for two, three, four, or hell, even six years before even considering marriage. Considering you could live for another fifty years, two years isn't all that much in the grand scheme of things. Personally I'd rather be damn sure I want to wake up next to the same face every day before I talk about forever. Honestly? Sometimes I think it seems people are more infatuated with getting married as opposed to staying married. People forget that marriage isn't just a state of being, it's a relationship and it's a relationship that takes work if you want to make it.
No, I've never been married, and these days I refuse to make any speculation on whether or not I might ever get married. I thought I'd found "the one" when I was but eighteen years old and fresh out of high school. I thought the same thing again when I was twenty-two and then I got pregnant and thought we'd be together forever. Now I look back and go, "What in the hell was I thinking?" What happened? Life happened, and those two people changed while I dated them. I changed too, and I grew as a person, and I wasn't quite the same person they fell in love with either. When my infatuation and fascination with the newness of a relationship was gone, I looked around and realized there possibly wasn't enough to sustain us as a couple. I rushed into things thinking I had to get at it now because the offer was only valid while supplies lasted, but I realize rushing into something like that blind isn't a great idea, and that it usually has an ugly outcome.
I guess I just don't get it anymore. Why rush into marriage if you're so sure you're going to be with that person? If you want to marry him now, you should want to marry him ten years from now. If you're still going through school, wait until you've graduated and are gainfully employed. Even if you're in your early thirties and aren't married yet, don't run for the church just because you think you're too old. It's better to be happy and unmarried than to be married and completely miserable because you didn't know about that thing he does at the dinner table, or his mother hates your guts, but he can't stand up for you because, hey, that's his mom!
I think it boils down to this: Are you in a relationship because you want the idealized marriage with a white picket fence and two-point-three kids, or are you in a relationship because you love the person you're with and you want to share your life with him/her? I really hope it's the latter.
I suppose now at my ancient age of twenty-eight-and-a-half years old (she said with her tongue firmly implanted in her cheek) that I have a different perspective than someone, say, twenty-three or younger. I know that life happens and that you can never predict what road it's going to take. I know that I was with someone for three years, and it didn't work out. I know that I was with someone for five years (roughly), had a child with him, and it still didn't work out. I know I've seen marriages last anywhere from a couple of years to twenty years before they ended in divorce. I've seen people marry right out of high school or college, and I've seen it fail miserably, but then again I can tell you I know someone who married under the age of twenty and who is still married and happy eleven years later. I've talked to a man in his early sixties recovering from his third divorce who told me, "By this point, I honestly believe it's just luck." I've read the special interest stories in the newspapers of couples celebrating fifty or sixty years together, and their big secret is the joke "Never go to bed angry."
Knowing all of this I have but one question to ask: What's your hurry?
If you plan to marry someone, you plan to be with them forever or "'til death do you part," right? Why do you have to immediately rush to the altar? Why not hold off a bit? Let's say two years. Two years is enough time to get out of the "honeymoon" period in most relationships, and if after the rose-colored glasses of lust and infatuation disappear you still want to be with that person, then maybe you ought to give it a shot. However, there's nothing wrong with dating for two, three, four, or hell, even six years before even considering marriage. Considering you could live for another fifty years, two years isn't all that much in the grand scheme of things. Personally I'd rather be damn sure I want to wake up next to the same face every day before I talk about forever. Honestly? Sometimes I think it seems people are more infatuated with getting married as opposed to staying married. People forget that marriage isn't just a state of being, it's a relationship and it's a relationship that takes work if you want to make it.
No, I've never been married, and these days I refuse to make any speculation on whether or not I might ever get married. I thought I'd found "the one" when I was but eighteen years old and fresh out of high school. I thought the same thing again when I was twenty-two and then I got pregnant and thought we'd be together forever. Now I look back and go, "What in the hell was I thinking?" What happened? Life happened, and those two people changed while I dated them. I changed too, and I grew as a person, and I wasn't quite the same person they fell in love with either. When my infatuation and fascination with the newness of a relationship was gone, I looked around and realized there possibly wasn't enough to sustain us as a couple. I rushed into things thinking I had to get at it now because the offer was only valid while supplies lasted, but I realize rushing into something like that blind isn't a great idea, and that it usually has an ugly outcome.
I guess I just don't get it anymore. Why rush into marriage if you're so sure you're going to be with that person? If you want to marry him now, you should want to marry him ten years from now. If you're still going through school, wait until you've graduated and are gainfully employed. Even if you're in your early thirties and aren't married yet, don't run for the church just because you think you're too old. It's better to be happy and unmarried than to be married and completely miserable because you didn't know about that thing he does at the dinner table, or his mother hates your guts, but he can't stand up for you because, hey, that's his mom!
I think it boils down to this: Are you in a relationship because you want the idealized marriage with a white picket fence and two-point-three kids, or are you in a relationship because you love the person you're with and you want to share your life with him/her? I really hope it's the latter.
