It's dark. Like my soul.
Dec. 6th, 2009 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadedmusingsAs you can see, I've fiddled around with my LJ settings again, and it reflects my mood. I'm still not totally sure what's going on with me. I'm angry, that much is obvious to me, and I have a few ideas as to why, but I'm not understanding this sudden feeling of "I hate humanity." Maybe it's the isolation getting to me, the lack of much of anything to do around here that even remotely piques my interest. Or maybe I'm just tired of all the stupid.
There's been some inner conflict. On the one hand, I really dislike religion and its trappings. I'm nowhere near an atheist, but I tend to be far more spiritual than anything else, and things like prayer and ritual tend to put me off. However, I've got that urge again. The urge to connect to something bigger than myself. The urge to meditate, to search, and to "talk" to the gods again. One god in particular is tugging at me once more, and I know I should sit down and listen, but of course there's that part of me that wants to be stubborn about it. I can't help it. I was so disappointed with Christianity as a teenager, and then I went on to be disappointed by so many different pagans too. I'm jaded to put it mildly, but then again I do remember those times when it did work for me, and when I did feel that connection. Of course, I was such a fluffy bunny back then, too, then life got ahold of me and knocked me around a bit. I've hardened, and as you may or may not have realized, I've gotten grumpy and snarky too. In short, I'm not the sweet and naive child I was back then.
It's frustrating. For a long time I felt nothing, then a few months ago I mentioned wanting to get back into the whole pagan deal, but nothing ever came of it. I think it was because life happened again, and then there was suddenly one thing to deal with followed immediately by another. Now I'm going to have a couple of weeks "off" as it were for the holidays, not to mention I'll be turning another year older, and that urge has returned stronger than before. In less than a year I'll be in an area that has a large pagan population, or at least enough of a population that I can find events to get involved in, and I can dip my toes in the water again. I don't think I'll be looking for a group to practice with so much as a group to sit around, drink coffee, and chat with, but before any of that can happen, I need to figure out for myself where I stand, how far I want to go, and just how much of that I'll be willing to share with others.
I do want to apologize in advance if this journal is snarkier and bitchier than usual. I'll try to keep it filtered, but it's either vent here or explode elsewhere.
There's been some inner conflict. On the one hand, I really dislike religion and its trappings. I'm nowhere near an atheist, but I tend to be far more spiritual than anything else, and things like prayer and ritual tend to put me off. However, I've got that urge again. The urge to connect to something bigger than myself. The urge to meditate, to search, and to "talk" to the gods again. One god in particular is tugging at me once more, and I know I should sit down and listen, but of course there's that part of me that wants to be stubborn about it. I can't help it. I was so disappointed with Christianity as a teenager, and then I went on to be disappointed by so many different pagans too. I'm jaded to put it mildly, but then again I do remember those times when it did work for me, and when I did feel that connection. Of course, I was such a fluffy bunny back then, too, then life got ahold of me and knocked me around a bit. I've hardened, and as you may or may not have realized, I've gotten grumpy and snarky too. In short, I'm not the sweet and naive child I was back then.
It's frustrating. For a long time I felt nothing, then a few months ago I mentioned wanting to get back into the whole pagan deal, but nothing ever came of it. I think it was because life happened again, and then there was suddenly one thing to deal with followed immediately by another. Now I'm going to have a couple of weeks "off" as it were for the holidays, not to mention I'll be turning another year older, and that urge has returned stronger than before. In less than a year I'll be in an area that has a large pagan population, or at least enough of a population that I can find events to get involved in, and I can dip my toes in the water again. I don't think I'll be looking for a group to practice with so much as a group to sit around, drink coffee, and chat with, but before any of that can happen, I need to figure out for myself where I stand, how far I want to go, and just how much of that I'll be willing to share with others.
I do want to apologize in advance if this journal is snarkier and bitchier than usual. I'll try to keep it filtered, but it's either vent here or explode elsewhere.
