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jadedmusingsThanks to a community I lurk watch, I stumbled upon this CNN article about "negotiated infidelity."
First off, "negotiated infidelity" sounds like an oxymoron. If you've discussed opening a relationship and allowing your significant other to take on more sexual partners (and s/he follows the rules you've laid out), then it's not cheating or infidelity. It's an open relationship. Of course, it's still entirely possible to cheat in an open relationship, but not if you're adhering to the mutually agreed upon guidelines.
While it's true a cheating partner/spouse in all likelihood still loves you, s/he doesn't respect you enough to be honest with hir feelings. S/he is also selfish and dishonest, doing something that brings hir pleasure and putting it before your emotional needs. Not to mention putting your health at risk if the cheater doesn't take care of hir sexual health.
Loving your partner isn't enough if you treat hir like garbage, and just because someone loves you doesn't mean s/he is healthy for you.
Annnnd now you've lost any credibility you had left.
Please stop it with the tired old "Men are biologically incapable of monogamy." Puh-lease. It's insulting to every man on this planet to say they are incapable of controlling their hormones and being decent human beings who treat their lovers with respect. Also, if it's true that men are hard-wired to cheat, then why are there monogamous gay couples out there? And why is cheating a problem in relationships across the board, regardless of the genders of the people involved?
Cheating. Is. Not. Normal. Any man who uses his penis as an excuse to cheat is a douchebag plain and simple. Adults communicate with their partners about their feelings and desires. Adults discuss solutions that will not only help their relationship, but are also good for the overall health of said relationship. Adults also realize when a relationship just isn't working.
Unless the woman is telling him he can't masturbate, then he has an outlet. Also, maybe being constantly turned down for sex is a sign that something is wrong and needs to be addressed. Maybe her emotional needs aren't being met. Maybe he's been a jackass and doesn't realize it. Maybe he should, oh I don't know, talk to her and find out what's going on. Saying the woman should just let him run off to find someone to bone does nothing to address the underlying issues that are often present when one partner loses interest in sex. It absolves the "cheater" of hir responsiblity to work with hir partner to find a way to fix what's wrong.
Also, love the subtle victim blaming there. "You didn't put out, which is cruel for the poor men and their blue balls. It's your fault he wants to cheat!"
And what article like this would be complete without calling women whores?
It couldn't be just because you happen to love sex with that particular man. Oh, no, you're a whore.
Oh, glad to see you dropped the subtlety.
Uh, YMMV and all that, but a lap dance at a strip club and watching a pornographic movie are not on the same level as hopping into bed with someone else.
Oh, yeah, I remember when I had a toddler running underfoot. All my sexual desire went away and my sole focus in life was to rear my child. Only that never happened. My libido has always been higher than my partners', even after a child.
Also, if I went up to Sam right now and said I wanted to bed other men, it wouldn't bring out his "competitive nature." It would hurt him emotionally and would probably spell doom for our relationship because he prefers monogamy.
Okay, that's it. I can't hold it in anymore: Fuck you and your stupid gender stereotypes! If it's true that men don't require and/or desire intimacy, then why the fuck do so many get married? And why is it I know of so many women who love "hooking up" and having one night stands?
Look, I've been in a relationship wherein my partner denied me sex and didn't really try to do anything to improve the situation. It royally sucked to be constantly turned down. I ended up cheating and guess what? While he was being an asshole and ignoring my needs, I'm still an asshole for not ending things with him first. I hurt him unnecessarily and I could have spared us both a lot of heartache if I'd been mature enough to be frank about the fact my emotional and physical needs were not being met. Oh, and I don't have a penis or loads of testoterone, so I'm not supposed to have the biological drive to cheat, right?
All hope isn't lost in this article. They did manage to squeeze in a few quotes from a sensible psychology professor by the name of Lawrence Josephs.
Oh, Mr. Josephs, your words are like a breath of fresh air admist all this manure. It's a shame your earth logic wasn't a central feature in this article.
First off, "negotiated infidelity" sounds like an oxymoron. If you've discussed opening a relationship and allowing your significant other to take on more sexual partners (and s/he follows the rules you've laid out), then it's not cheating or infidelity. It's an open relationship. Of course, it's still entirely possible to cheat in an open relationship, but not if you're adhering to the mutually agreed upon guidelines.
Hill's memoir, "Sugarbabe" details her yearlong adventure with a series of so-called "sugar daddies." The book sold 24,000 copies in her native Australia, according to her publisher, and has just been released in the United States. Holly Hill is a pen name.
"I thought it was men that would like the book," she says, "But in fact it's women, because what it says to women is that if your man cheats on you, he still loves you, and he's probably running about average."
While it's true a cheating partner/spouse in all likelihood still loves you, s/he doesn't respect you enough to be honest with hir feelings. S/he is also selfish and dishonest, doing something that brings hir pleasure and putting it before your emotional needs. Not to mention putting your health at risk if the cheater doesn't take care of hir sexual health.
Loving your partner isn't enough if you treat hir like garbage, and just because someone loves you doesn't mean s/he is healthy for you.
But Hill says that if a woman takes the time to truly examine her relationship and considers Mother Nature's unerring spell on men's libidos, she might realize that letting her boyfriend or spouse know she's OK with him having sex elsewhere is a logical way to prevent him from doing it in secret.
"I think that cheating men are normal," says Hill. "Monogamous men are heroes. Monogamy does have a place in relationships, but not on the long-term. Men are hard-wired to betray women on the long-term."
Annnnd now you've lost any credibility you had left.
Please stop it with the tired old "Men are biologically incapable of monogamy." Puh-lease. It's insulting to every man on this planet to say they are incapable of controlling their hormones and being decent human beings who treat their lovers with respect. Also, if it's true that men are hard-wired to cheat, then why are there monogamous gay couples out there? And why is cheating a problem in relationships across the board, regardless of the genders of the people involved?
Cheating. Is. Not. Normal. Any man who uses his penis as an excuse to cheat is a douchebag plain and simple. Adults communicate with their partners about their feelings and desires. Adults discuss solutions that will not only help their relationship, but are also good for the overall health of said relationship. Adults also realize when a relationship just isn't working.
Hill says, that of course it's every woman's right to refuse to have sex when she's not in the mood or has a headache. However, expecting men to cope on their own with no outlet whatsoever is shortsighted and cruel, says Hill.
Unless the woman is telling him he can't masturbate, then he has an outlet. Also, maybe being constantly turned down for sex is a sign that something is wrong and needs to be addressed. Maybe her emotional needs aren't being met. Maybe he's been a jackass and doesn't realize it. Maybe he should, oh I don't know, talk to her and find out what's going on. Saying the woman should just let him run off to find someone to bone does nothing to address the underlying issues that are often present when one partner loses interest in sex. It absolves the "cheater" of hir responsiblity to work with hir partner to find a way to fix what's wrong.
Also, love the subtle victim blaming there. "You didn't put out, which is cruel for the poor men and their blue balls. It's your fault he wants to cheat!"
And what article like this would be complete without calling women whores?
Hill, who was 39 at the time, posted an ad online announcing her search for a sugar daddy, someone who would pay her $1,000 a week in exchange for her company, cooking, conversation, massages and, when they desired it, sex. She says the ad attracted 11,000 responses.
At the time, Hill says she saw a distinct difference between what she was doing and prostitution.
"I thought that because I was a 24/7 exclusive mistress that I wasn't part of the world's oldest profession, but with hindsight I was, because what I was doing ... I was charging men for services, part of which included sex," says Hill.
However, she adds, any married woman who no longer loves her husband but continues to have sex with him to retain the comforts of being married could also be considered part of that oldest profession.
It couldn't be just because you happen to love sex with that particular man. Oh, no, you're a whore.
"Men need to get their rocks off," says Hill. "If a woman crosses her legs for any length of time and doesn't arrange some sort of alternative for her man, he is going to cheat on her."
Oh, glad to see you dropped the subtlety.
By alternatives, Hill is referring to her idea of "negotiated infidelity." That shouldn't be confused with an open relationship, which to Hill "has no rules." Nor does it imply that it's necessary that a wife allow her husband to hop into bed with whomever he chooses -- unless of course she's OK with that. Hill says negotiated infidelity could mean hubby makes a trip to the local strip club for the occasional lap dance or updates his porn collection.
Uh, YMMV and all that, but a lap dance at a strip club and watching a pornographic movie are not on the same level as hopping into bed with someone else.
"Ideally the woman will want to stray as well," says Hill. "Some won't want to because they're at home taking care of toddlers. But the woman definitely needs to negotiate infidelity as well, especially because that will generate her man's competitive nature. The more lovers the woman has, the more attraction the man will have for his partner."
Oh, yeah, I remember when I had a toddler running underfoot. All my sexual desire went away and my sole focus in life was to rear my child. Only that never happened. My libido has always been higher than my partners', even after a child.
Also, if I went up to Sam right now and said I wanted to bed other men, it wouldn't bring out his "competitive nature." It would hurt him emotionally and would probably spell doom for our relationship because he prefers monogamy.
"Women need to remember the difference between why women and men have sex," she says. "Women tend to value intimacy. For men it's often the thrill of the chase, or the quick sex with a stranger. Men don't even have to know their lovers' names! It's often just a cheap thrill and has nothing to do with us as a loving girlfriend or wife. Once we understand that, it's much easier to let him go off."
Okay, that's it. I can't hold it in anymore: Fuck you and your stupid gender stereotypes! If it's true that men don't require and/or desire intimacy, then why the fuck do so many get married? And why is it I know of so many women who love "hooking up" and having one night stands?
Look, I've been in a relationship wherein my partner denied me sex and didn't really try to do anything to improve the situation. It royally sucked to be constantly turned down. I ended up cheating and guess what? While he was being an asshole and ignoring my needs, I'm still an asshole for not ending things with him first. I hurt him unnecessarily and I could have spared us both a lot of heartache if I'd been mature enough to be frank about the fact my emotional and physical needs were not being met. Oh, and I don't have a penis or loads of testoterone, so I'm not supposed to have the biological drive to cheat, right?
All hope isn't lost in this article. They did manage to squeeze in a few quotes from a sensible psychology professor by the name of Lawrence Josephs.
"People who are higher in narcissim -- whether they are male or female -- are more likely to cheat. People who feel entitled to it, people who have what's called avoidant attachment style where they tend to have more impersonal sex," are more prone to straying, he said.
The professor also said people who experience lower levels of empathy or guilt tend to engage in more infidelity.
[...]
But Josephs doesn't think understanding will overcome jealousy.
"I think what's universal is that no one likes sharing partners -- whether you're male or female. I think jealousy is a kind of universal emotion," the professor said.
Oh, Mr. Josephs, your words are like a breath of fresh air admist all this manure. It's a shame your earth logic wasn't a central feature in this article.
