![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Jacob's Journal - January 23 - February 11
Mar. 8th, 2010 11:10 pmJanuary 23
Dumisani visited yesterday. I was told in no uncertain terms that I am to leave before Spring begins. I tried to ascertain what I may have done to either offend her or break their laws, but she would have none of it. She would only mention my nightmares (which have become more frequent since the ritual and only abate with the aid of alcohol) and state that I needed to free myself of "demons" and "spirits."
There was no malice or anger in her words, nor any fear save for that which she feels for my safety. She cares for me, I think, or at least she thinks of me as more than another male put here to help her tribe. I'm unsure of what I should think of this, or how I should let it affect me. She wishes for me to be healed, she says, and she worries that I may never be whole again.
Sitting here now when I am able to reflect upon our conversation, I cannot precisely answer what it is I am supposed to heal. How do you heal wounds that are both invisible and unnatural? What makes her think that there is anything to heal?
Looking back in this journal I am able to recall now that I said I wept that night. There was an emptiness inside of me, a pain so deep and vast that I believe there are no words to express it. I shed tears out of helplessness of what to do for that feeling. The hole has been there since Cecilia's death, but until that ritual I had managed to ignore it, to tune it out. However, now it is there, raw and empty. There is no way to fill that hole. No way for me to make myself completely whole again, and there is no way that I can now forget its existence.
Perhaps it is denial that has sustained me. Dumisani saw my denial and stripped me of it with that ritual, and she knew what she had done. I have tried to be angry with her, but each time I think on it I am only filled with some sort of bitter gratitude. I have always been a broken man, but now I see myself for what I am.
...these words are turning into the ramblings of a fool. I must find a merchant so I can find a way to make travel arrangements so I can leave this place. I do not think I shall return to Cassida. Teaching is still my profession, yes, but I think I have outgrown the college.
There is too much to think about.
********
January 30
Busy. Yes, that sums up these past seven days well.
I managed to speak to an understanding Qu merchant who wandered here to trade with Nuru (she is learning how to run the village from Dumisani). He agreed to take me with him when he travels back this way in a fortnight. For a small sum of gil he will take me to Ratchathani. From there I shall board an airship bound for Cassida so that I might settle some affairs that still remain at the Imperial College. After that, well, that is anyone's guess.
Dumisani invited me over for dinner tomorrow night. A farewell feast of sorts, though it is a private meal between...colleagues? Friends? Co-workers? It's funny that I lack the proper words to describe our relationship. I am told Nuru will be there, which helps because I have some books I wanted to leave with her. One is a book of basic Imperial Common phrases to encourage her to continue practicing, and the other is a book of poems written by a mithra bard. She was shocked to learn a male mithra was allowed to write let alone publish a book, something that is equal parts amusing and frustrating for me. He wrote and sang in his native tongue of what it meant to be a mithra. He also spent a great deal of time describing the joys and miseries of being in love and being loved in return. I hope it will be an appropriate farewell gift.
As for Dumisani, I think I shall have to think hard to come up with an appropriate gift for her. Perhaps something will come to me before I must leave for good.
********
February 1
I haven't much time to write as I am busy saying good-bye to all my students, sorting through the various knick-knacks I have collected in my short stay here, and determining which books I can bear to part with and which absolutely must not leave my side.
The dinner with Dumisani and Nuru went well. Nuru adored her gifts as well as I can tell, though there seemed to be something on her mind. Dumisani has merely asked that I send her some special teas from Ratchathani that she has not had in ages. When I said I wanted to give her something more personal she told me she was an old woman who has such little time left here. The teas will suffice as she can enjoy them now while material possessions she must leave behind when she passes on.
I think there is much Dumisani has taught me and much more she will continue to teach me in years to come even if I never see her again after my departure.
********
February 5
Roughly seven more days and the merchant will be here. I have been visiting with my students, their families, and friends. I've been enjoying my last walks around the areas, and Nuru has joined me when she could. Our conversations are a mix of broken Common and Donese. I was told another teacher is being sent here by the College so I have all hopes that within a year or less Nuru will be fluent in Imperial Common.
Nuru said something odd before returning to the village today. She told me that it was not her custom to care about men, that men are there to serve and to keep the village populated, but, she said, she would think of me and would wish me well in finding a mate to serve. I think it was her way of saying she would miss me, and it made me smile. I told her that I hoped she would find a mate worthy of her rule - that's not exactly what I said, but translations are not always seamless. Either way, she seemed pleased by what I said.
My hut is beginning to look as it did when I first came here: Bare walls and a dirt floor with no sense of life. It's depressing and empty, and then I remind myself I have scarcely been here for a month, but it seems like longer. I have learned much.
********
February 7
Nuru visited my hut last night and I suspect she will return tonight. She and I...well, a gentleman doesn't speak of such things even in a book which he intends to keep to himself. Suffice to say that I do not think my sleeping mat will be empty until I leave. Neither of us expect anything more as that is an impossibility, but I think we are both enjoying our last bits of freedom before returning to uncertain futures. After I leave, she will become queen and will begin selecting a mate to carry on her family line. She has the rest of her life ahead of her to rule an entire village. As for me, I have...well, I'll get to that.
It may sound callous, but while being with Nuru has been enjoyable, I cannot help but find myself thinking of those I left behind in Aesilla. While we watched the sunrise together, Nuru asked me to tell her of my time in Aesilla and of the Church. While I talked, I realized that I must return. That I must make up for the cowardly way in which I fled there, and after Nuru left for home, I decided that after I am done in Cassida, I will return to Aesilla and see if the Church will allow me entrance. It's strange, but I have never felt more certain and yet uncertain of a decision in my life. Only time will tell if this is right for me.
I must go wash myself in the stream and tend to some other matters before nightfall.
********
February 11
I shall leave tomorrow. Nuru is coming over one last time to say good-bye. I am reminded of my military days and the last days of the War, of the women who warmed my bed and...yes, I fear I am turning into an old man before my time. I am still young yet, though Nuru makes me realize that perhaps I am more of an adult than I care to admit. I think I might be feeling the first urges to find a more meaningful relationship. To find someone to share in life with. Maybe. Perhaps.
Or perhaps I am feeling the first stirrings of Spring, no? It's still a few weeks away yet, but already I think I sense there is change in the air.
I only hope I have made the right decision.
Dumisani visited yesterday. I was told in no uncertain terms that I am to leave before Spring begins. I tried to ascertain what I may have done to either offend her or break their laws, but she would have none of it. She would only mention my nightmares (which have become more frequent since the ritual and only abate with the aid of alcohol) and state that I needed to free myself of "demons" and "spirits."
There was no malice or anger in her words, nor any fear save for that which she feels for my safety. She cares for me, I think, or at least she thinks of me as more than another male put here to help her tribe. I'm unsure of what I should think of this, or how I should let it affect me. She wishes for me to be healed, she says, and she worries that I may never be whole again.
Sitting here now when I am able to reflect upon our conversation, I cannot precisely answer what it is I am supposed to heal. How do you heal wounds that are both invisible and unnatural? What makes her think that there is anything to heal?
Looking back in this journal I am able to recall now that I said I wept that night. There was an emptiness inside of me, a pain so deep and vast that I believe there are no words to express it. I shed tears out of helplessness of what to do for that feeling. The hole has been there since Cecilia's death, but until that ritual I had managed to ignore it, to tune it out. However, now it is there, raw and empty. There is no way to fill that hole. No way for me to make myself completely whole again, and there is no way that I can now forget its existence.
Perhaps it is denial that has sustained me. Dumisani saw my denial and stripped me of it with that ritual, and she knew what she had done. I have tried to be angry with her, but each time I think on it I am only filled with some sort of bitter gratitude. I have always been a broken man, but now I see myself for what I am.
...these words are turning into the ramblings of a fool. I must find a merchant so I can find a way to make travel arrangements so I can leave this place. I do not think I shall return to Cassida. Teaching is still my profession, yes, but I think I have outgrown the college.
There is too much to think about.
January 30
Busy. Yes, that sums up these past seven days well.
I managed to speak to an understanding Qu merchant who wandered here to trade with Nuru (she is learning how to run the village from Dumisani). He agreed to take me with him when he travels back this way in a fortnight. For a small sum of gil he will take me to Ratchathani. From there I shall board an airship bound for Cassida so that I might settle some affairs that still remain at the Imperial College. After that, well, that is anyone's guess.
Dumisani invited me over for dinner tomorrow night. A farewell feast of sorts, though it is a private meal between...colleagues? Friends? Co-workers? It's funny that I lack the proper words to describe our relationship. I am told Nuru will be there, which helps because I have some books I wanted to leave with her. One is a book of basic Imperial Common phrases to encourage her to continue practicing, and the other is a book of poems written by a mithra bard. She was shocked to learn a male mithra was allowed to write let alone publish a book, something that is equal parts amusing and frustrating for me. He wrote and sang in his native tongue of what it meant to be a mithra. He also spent a great deal of time describing the joys and miseries of being in love and being loved in return. I hope it will be an appropriate farewell gift.
As for Dumisani, I think I shall have to think hard to come up with an appropriate gift for her. Perhaps something will come to me before I must leave for good.
February 1
I haven't much time to write as I am busy saying good-bye to all my students, sorting through the various knick-knacks I have collected in my short stay here, and determining which books I can bear to part with and which absolutely must not leave my side.
The dinner with Dumisani and Nuru went well. Nuru adored her gifts as well as I can tell, though there seemed to be something on her mind. Dumisani has merely asked that I send her some special teas from Ratchathani that she has not had in ages. When I said I wanted to give her something more personal she told me she was an old woman who has such little time left here. The teas will suffice as she can enjoy them now while material possessions she must leave behind when she passes on.
I think there is much Dumisani has taught me and much more she will continue to teach me in years to come even if I never see her again after my departure.
February 5
Roughly seven more days and the merchant will be here. I have been visiting with my students, their families, and friends. I've been enjoying my last walks around the areas, and Nuru has joined me when she could. Our conversations are a mix of broken Common and Donese. I was told another teacher is being sent here by the College so I have all hopes that within a year or less Nuru will be fluent in Imperial Common.
Nuru said something odd before returning to the village today. She told me that it was not her custom to care about men, that men are there to serve and to keep the village populated, but, she said, she would think of me and would wish me well in finding a mate to serve. I think it was her way of saying she would miss me, and it made me smile. I told her that I hoped she would find a mate worthy of her rule - that's not exactly what I said, but translations are not always seamless. Either way, she seemed pleased by what I said.
My hut is beginning to look as it did when I first came here: Bare walls and a dirt floor with no sense of life. It's depressing and empty, and then I remind myself I have scarcely been here for a month, but it seems like longer. I have learned much.
February 7
Nuru visited my hut last night and I suspect she will return tonight. She and I...well, a gentleman doesn't speak of such things even in a book which he intends to keep to himself. Suffice to say that I do not think my sleeping mat will be empty until I leave. Neither of us expect anything more as that is an impossibility, but I think we are both enjoying our last bits of freedom before returning to uncertain futures. After I leave, she will become queen and will begin selecting a mate to carry on her family line. She has the rest of her life ahead of her to rule an entire village. As for me, I have...well, I'll get to that.
It may sound callous, but while being with Nuru has been enjoyable, I cannot help but find myself thinking of those I left behind in Aesilla. While we watched the sunrise together, Nuru asked me to tell her of my time in Aesilla and of the Church. While I talked, I realized that I must return. That I must make up for the cowardly way in which I fled there, and after Nuru left for home, I decided that after I am done in Cassida, I will return to Aesilla and see if the Church will allow me entrance. It's strange, but I have never felt more certain and yet uncertain of a decision in my life. Only time will tell if this is right for me.
I must go wash myself in the stream and tend to some other matters before nightfall.
February 11
I shall leave tomorrow. Nuru is coming over one last time to say good-bye. I am reminded of my military days and the last days of the War, of the women who warmed my bed and...yes, I fear I am turning into an old man before my time. I am still young yet, though Nuru makes me realize that perhaps I am more of an adult than I care to admit. I think I might be feeling the first urges to find a more meaningful relationship. To find someone to share in life with. Maybe. Perhaps.
Or perhaps I am feeling the first stirrings of Spring, no? It's still a few weeks away yet, but already I think I sense there is change in the air.
I only hope I have made the right decision.
