I am not my uterus.
Feb. 28th, 2010 05:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadedmusingsOver on Twitter, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lupabitch said something today that really struck a nerve with me, and it was one of those moments of "You know, this has always bothered me too." She touched on the neo-pagan idea of the triple goddess, that is "Maiden, Mother, Crone," and she expressed her frustration over how limiting that is, particularly for women who choose to remain childless. Here's how the exchange went:
One of the most frustrating concepts I have encountered since becoming a mother is this idea that the moment I gave birth (or, in some cases, the moment I became pregnant), my entire identity was altered and shoved into one neat little box called "Mother." There's this prevailing idea that my offspring should be the whole of my existence, that my son is my sole reason for living and breathing.
Um, how about no?
Yes, my life has changed. Yes, when I make a major life decision, I do factor in the needs of my son and how my choices may or may not affect his overall well-being. The label of mother was added to my repertoire of labels, and being a mother didn't erase any of the other aspects about me. My love of gaming didn't go away, nor did my enjoyment of reading and writing leave me. And, excepting the first few weeks after giving birth, my desire to be a sexual being never disappeared. Sure, having an infant meant adjusting to a new schedule and learning how to perform some household tasks single-handed, but I was still the same Jade as I was before, just a Jade with new features (i.e. leaky and swollen breasts while I continued to breastfeed). My life as I knew it never ended with some strange new life beginning, it merely changed and I adapted to that change like every human does with life events.
Being a mother is not an either/or sort of deal. A woman can be a mother and so many other things. Likewise a woman can choose not to be a mother while still being a woman and a teacher, lawyer, doctor, etc. Who we are should not depend on whether or not our wombs have ever created life, nor should we be forced into the societal roles as nuturing caregivers simply because we have the capacity to give birth. We can be fighters too, and we can be brave and strong and resiliant. Our internal organs really don't figure much into that nor should they.
My son means the world to me, and I do the best I can to provide for him and to meet his needs for as long as he cannot do so himself. But my son is not all of me, nor will he ever be the only thing that defines me.
lupabitch said something today that really struck a nerve with me, and it was one of those moments of "You know, this has always bothered me too." She touched on the neo-pagan idea of the triple goddess, that is "Maiden, Mother, Crone," and she expressed her frustration over how limiting that is, particularly for women who choose to remain childless. Here's how the exchange went:Lupa
I am so tired of the Maiden, Mother, Crone triad. I am not limited to my uterus, and I am not solely defined by a "nurturing nature".
Jade
@lupabitch: It's equally maddening that people think you cannot be both a mother and something else. "Mom" is not the only name I answer to.
One of the most frustrating concepts I have encountered since becoming a mother is this idea that the moment I gave birth (or, in some cases, the moment I became pregnant), my entire identity was altered and shoved into one neat little box called "Mother." There's this prevailing idea that my offspring should be the whole of my existence, that my son is my sole reason for living and breathing.
Um, how about no?
Yes, my life has changed. Yes, when I make a major life decision, I do factor in the needs of my son and how my choices may or may not affect his overall well-being. The label of mother was added to my repertoire of labels, and being a mother didn't erase any of the other aspects about me. My love of gaming didn't go away, nor did my enjoyment of reading and writing leave me. And, excepting the first few weeks after giving birth, my desire to be a sexual being never disappeared. Sure, having an infant meant adjusting to a new schedule and learning how to perform some household tasks single-handed, but I was still the same Jade as I was before, just a Jade with new features (i.e. leaky and swollen breasts while I continued to breastfeed). My life as I knew it never ended with some strange new life beginning, it merely changed and I adapted to that change like every human does with life events.
Being a mother is not an either/or sort of deal. A woman can be a mother and so many other things. Likewise a woman can choose not to be a mother while still being a woman and a teacher, lawyer, doctor, etc. Who we are should not depend on whether or not our wombs have ever created life, nor should we be forced into the societal roles as nuturing caregivers simply because we have the capacity to give birth. We can be fighters too, and we can be brave and strong and resiliant. Our internal organs really don't figure much into that nor should they.
My son means the world to me, and I do the best I can to provide for him and to meet his needs for as long as he cannot do so himself. But my son is not all of me, nor will he ever be the only thing that defines me.
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no subject
Date: 2010-02-28 10:59 pm (UTC)Anyway, thank you again for speaking up. I can't speak to motherhood myself, especially since I'm snipped, but it's really nice to get the perspective from someone who has been there, is there.
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Date: 2010-02-28 11:15 pm (UTC)Though I did have one thought about how limiting it is for the gods to be put into neat little categories like that as well as humans. (For example, though he was primarily a god of war, Ares was also a lover to Aphrodite at one point. Clearly there was more to him than simply war. ...it's probably not a great example, but it's a start.)
Also, you're welcome, and thank you for mentioning it because it's always been something that was niggling me at the back of my mind. It bothers me when all women are lumped into either "mother" or "not a mother" columns. As if that were the only thing women could ever be or do, or as if being a mother automatically means I'm a sweet, nurturing, and giving person. Or, alternately, as if someone who is not a mother/woman could not be kind and nurturing and value life.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-28 11:17 pm (UTC)