Jacob's Journal - January 10 - 20
Mar. 6th, 2010 09:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadedmusingsJanuary 10
Dumisani has sent a messenger to remind me of my promise to visit her on the night of the New Moon. I sent word back that I still planned to be there.
Classes for this week have been called off due to a combination of planning for Dumisani's eldest daughter's return and inclement weather. Pax Donia does not have what I would call a winter in terms of temperature, but they are experiencing some heavy rainfall. I am told this is the spirits' way of preparing the land for Spring growth, though everything around me seems so lush and green already that I am unsure of what the land needs preparation for. Still, I have been somewhat grateful for the break, even though it means I am given time to think of things I'd rather not focus on.
My walks are becoming longer and longer, and I find that I have mentally mapped out the surrounding are. It makes it easy for me to get around at night, and it also makes me realize how isolated I am out here in this vast wilderness. I'm so far away from everyone and everything I wanted to escape and yet, it haunts me even worse than before.
********
January 13
Dumisani's daughter returned from her quest and the tribe is celebrating. Their small village is roughly half a mile from here, but I can hear the drumming and the shouting as though it were right outside my door. From the noises I've heard, I assume drinking is also involved and I imagine they will continue well until dawn. I suspect there will be very little activity tomorrow. I hope I can catch up on my rest then.
********
January 16
The script is hard to read and much of it is indecipherable.
How did she know? The monsters...real...I--
...she mean? How can I? ...awaits me...Aesilla.
I won't...no...go...
********
January 17
I realize my last bit of writing was inlegible at best and incomprehensible at worst. I am still processing what happened on the night of the New Moon. I suppose I should start at the beginning.
I arrived at Dumisani's hut shortly before dusk as instructed. I was then introduced to her daughters starting with the eldest, and while the younger two seemed intrigued by me, the eldest appeared distrustful of me. Dumisani whispered something to her and her demeanor changed while we sat down for a meal. After the meal, the daughters were ushered out and Dumisani spoke to me alone.
There was a fire pit dug into the center of the hut's floor where dinner had been cooked. I removed the spit so Dumisani could stoke the fire and throw some sort of herbs and incense into the flames while I sat across from her. She gave me something to drink - it was sweet going down, but it had a dreadful aftertaste that seemed to coat the inside of my mouth.
Nothing was explained to me. I remained seated as told, or rather, as ordered while she began humming and chanting. The words made no sense to me, though they should have. It was Donese, I think, but by that point whatever I drank was beginning to affect my senses. The flames seemed to stretch impossibly high and Dumisani's eyes seemed to glow beyond them as she stared at me. The chanting became louder; a steady vibration in my head that drowned out all other thought. I lost all sense of time and though logically I know I did not leave her hut, I could not tell you where I was. And then I saw them.
No, that's not right. I heard them first. The groans of pain and the gutteral utterances of senseless things. My nightmares and memories came to life then. The smell of decay and rotting flesh filled my nose and caused my stomach to churn. A little girl's screams rang in my ears, and I knew instantly that it was Cecilia. They were tearing at her flesh and I could hear joints popping and bones breaking as the creatures pulled her body apart.
Frantic, I looked for a way to escape, but something held me down by my shoulders even as I started to scream in terror. I think it was Dumisani's hands that held me, or maybe her eldest daughter. They held me until the monsters faded; until I was a man broken and sobbing on the dirt floor of the hut.
Other images fluttered before my eyes. I saw the Rest, the Church, and the faces of the people I felt so helpless to protect. I saw myself there as well. People were cheering and happy around me while I sat alone, sullen and withdrawn. I was writing in this journal, and then I was reading a book I can't recall. There was a woman seated across from me and it took me a moment to recognize her as Katj.
The image pulled away and then I saw the outside of the Rest. Hjre was on the rooftop doing her nightly devotionals and there was something in her expression I couldn't read. Fear? Sadness? Pain?
After that, my memories become jumbled again and when I woke, it was sometime after dark. My eyes felt dry and my throat ached from screaming as I did. Dumisani's eldest daughter was kneeling next to me on a straw mat. She was holding a cool compress to my head and saying that I had a reaction to the drink and became feverish. We had a conversation of sorts, though I suspect she was actually testing my mental faculties then. I learned her name was Nuru and I noticed her attitude toward me had changed. I think she felt pity for me and thought me weak. It would be a lie to say I was not embarrassed by the thought.
I was given something else to drink, a sedative I think. I slept until well past dawn, returned here, and wrote the entry preceding this one before falling asleep again. I'm not sure what to make of this.
********
January 18
Nuru visited me around mid-afternoon today. I inquired after Dumisani out of fear that she may be ill, but I was relieved to hear that she was simply occupied with preparations for a giant feast they will be having tomorrow.
Nuru seemed uncomfortable during her visit. She asked me many questions about the world outside Pax Donia and about my years spent in Cassida at the college. I answered as best I could, trying not to bore her with too many unimportant details. She tried out a few phrases of Imperial Common and I applauded her on her articulation.
She excused herself after about an hour, but not before she invited me to the feast. I was assured there would be no more rituals like the one on the New Moon.
********
January 20
I over-indulged last night. My skull feels as though it may split open at any moment. I do wish there was a way to dim the sun.
Nuru appears quite intrigued by me, and I confess my own curiosity is piqued when I am around her. She seems unsure of how to conduct herself around me, and at first I thought I had offended her, but Dumisani said it is simply that she is unaccustomed to speaking to a man as an equal. I think I laughed a little harder than was polite at that answer, but Dumisani was not offended.
After eating, Dumisani pulled me aside to speak to me.
"You must leave," she said.
"Why?"
"You have work to do, and there are monsterrrrs you must face."
"Is this about the new moon ritual?"
She ignored my question and focused her eyes on me. "The past that haunts you needs to be put to rest. Before Sprrring you will journey back to your Churrrch."
I couldn't help but laugh at the way she phrased it. "Most venerable Dumisani, are you ordering me to leave?"
She sniffed. "Yes."
Before I could ask anything else, Nuru pulled me away to join them in some sort of dance. I think they spent more time laughing at my inaibility to mimic them than they did actually dancing or trying to teach me.
Still, Dumisani's words stick with me and I wonder if I will be forced out of here.
Dumisani has sent a messenger to remind me of my promise to visit her on the night of the New Moon. I sent word back that I still planned to be there.
Classes for this week have been called off due to a combination of planning for Dumisani's eldest daughter's return and inclement weather. Pax Donia does not have what I would call a winter in terms of temperature, but they are experiencing some heavy rainfall. I am told this is the spirits' way of preparing the land for Spring growth, though everything around me seems so lush and green already that I am unsure of what the land needs preparation for. Still, I have been somewhat grateful for the break, even though it means I am given time to think of things I'd rather not focus on.
My walks are becoming longer and longer, and I find that I have mentally mapped out the surrounding are. It makes it easy for me to get around at night, and it also makes me realize how isolated I am out here in this vast wilderness. I'm so far away from everyone and everything I wanted to escape and yet, it haunts me even worse than before.
January 13
Dumisani's daughter returned from her quest and the tribe is celebrating. Their small village is roughly half a mile from here, but I can hear the drumming and the shouting as though it were right outside my door. From the noises I've heard, I assume drinking is also involved and I imagine they will continue well until dawn. I suspect there will be very little activity tomorrow. I hope I can catch up on my rest then.
January 16
The script is hard to read and much of it is indecipherable.
How did she know? The monsters...real...I--
...she mean? How can I? ...awaits me...Aesilla.
I won't...no...go...
January 17
I realize my last bit of writing was inlegible at best and incomprehensible at worst. I am still processing what happened on the night of the New Moon. I suppose I should start at the beginning.
I arrived at Dumisani's hut shortly before dusk as instructed. I was then introduced to her daughters starting with the eldest, and while the younger two seemed intrigued by me, the eldest appeared distrustful of me. Dumisani whispered something to her and her demeanor changed while we sat down for a meal. After the meal, the daughters were ushered out and Dumisani spoke to me alone.
There was a fire pit dug into the center of the hut's floor where dinner had been cooked. I removed the spit so Dumisani could stoke the fire and throw some sort of herbs and incense into the flames while I sat across from her. She gave me something to drink - it was sweet going down, but it had a dreadful aftertaste that seemed to coat the inside of my mouth.
Nothing was explained to me. I remained seated as told, or rather, as ordered while she began humming and chanting. The words made no sense to me, though they should have. It was Donese, I think, but by that point whatever I drank was beginning to affect my senses. The flames seemed to stretch impossibly high and Dumisani's eyes seemed to glow beyond them as she stared at me. The chanting became louder; a steady vibration in my head that drowned out all other thought. I lost all sense of time and though logically I know I did not leave her hut, I could not tell you where I was. And then I saw them.
No, that's not right. I heard them first. The groans of pain and the gutteral utterances of senseless things. My nightmares and memories came to life then. The smell of decay and rotting flesh filled my nose and caused my stomach to churn. A little girl's screams rang in my ears, and I knew instantly that it was Cecilia. They were tearing at her flesh and I could hear joints popping and bones breaking as the creatures pulled her body apart.
Frantic, I looked for a way to escape, but something held me down by my shoulders even as I started to scream in terror. I think it was Dumisani's hands that held me, or maybe her eldest daughter. They held me until the monsters faded; until I was a man broken and sobbing on the dirt floor of the hut.
Other images fluttered before my eyes. I saw the Rest, the Church, and the faces of the people I felt so helpless to protect. I saw myself there as well. People were cheering and happy around me while I sat alone, sullen and withdrawn. I was writing in this journal, and then I was reading a book I can't recall. There was a woman seated across from me and it took me a moment to recognize her as Katj.
The image pulled away and then I saw the outside of the Rest. Hjre was on the rooftop doing her nightly devotionals and there was something in her expression I couldn't read. Fear? Sadness? Pain?
After that, my memories become jumbled again and when I woke, it was sometime after dark. My eyes felt dry and my throat ached from screaming as I did. Dumisani's eldest daughter was kneeling next to me on a straw mat. She was holding a cool compress to my head and saying that I had a reaction to the drink and became feverish. We had a conversation of sorts, though I suspect she was actually testing my mental faculties then. I learned her name was Nuru and I noticed her attitude toward me had changed. I think she felt pity for me and thought me weak. It would be a lie to say I was not embarrassed by the thought.
I was given something else to drink, a sedative I think. I slept until well past dawn, returned here, and wrote the entry preceding this one before falling asleep again. I'm not sure what to make of this.
January 18
Nuru visited me around mid-afternoon today. I inquired after Dumisani out of fear that she may be ill, but I was relieved to hear that she was simply occupied with preparations for a giant feast they will be having tomorrow.
Nuru seemed uncomfortable during her visit. She asked me many questions about the world outside Pax Donia and about my years spent in Cassida at the college. I answered as best I could, trying not to bore her with too many unimportant details. She tried out a few phrases of Imperial Common and I applauded her on her articulation.
She excused herself after about an hour, but not before she invited me to the feast. I was assured there would be no more rituals like the one on the New Moon.
January 20
I over-indulged last night. My skull feels as though it may split open at any moment. I do wish there was a way to dim the sun.
Nuru appears quite intrigued by me, and I confess my own curiosity is piqued when I am around her. She seems unsure of how to conduct herself around me, and at first I thought I had offended her, but Dumisani said it is simply that she is unaccustomed to speaking to a man as an equal. I think I laughed a little harder than was polite at that answer, but Dumisani was not offended.
After eating, Dumisani pulled me aside to speak to me.
"You must leave," she said.
"Why?"
"You have work to do, and there are monsterrrrs you must face."
"Is this about the new moon ritual?"
She ignored my question and focused her eyes on me. "The past that haunts you needs to be put to rest. Before Sprrring you will journey back to your Churrrch."
I couldn't help but laugh at the way she phrased it. "Most venerable Dumisani, are you ordering me to leave?"
She sniffed. "Yes."
Before I could ask anything else, Nuru pulled me away to join them in some sort of dance. I think they spent more time laughing at my inaibility to mimic them than they did actually dancing or trying to teach me.
Still, Dumisani's words stick with me and I wonder if I will be forced out of here.
