Awesome Link: Schrödinger’s Rapist
Oct. 8th, 2009 12:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadedmusingsAlternate title for this post: "Oh look, I've found my soapbox again."
Here's something I wish I could send to the men who have approached me in public before (especially that man who approached me while I was alone in a laundromat at night): Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced:
Read the whole thing, please.
One thing I would add to this: According to RAINN, roughly 73% of rape victims know their attacker. An acquaintance, a classmate, even a boyfriend or a husband can be a rapist. That friend who offers you a ride home when it's raining, or that guy who happens to ride the same bus as you: possible rapists. The thing is, women never know who might turn on them. Sure, I will state right now that I don't expect one of the men in my life to rape me because I try to surround myself with pretty awesome people, but I couldn't predict with 100% accuracy who is or isn't capable of it.
The funny thing is that there are those who say women live in fear, and that we do so needlessly. To you I say this: Why then are most tips about preventing sexual assault directed at women? Here's a list of where not to go, what not to wear, and what not to say. Why am I cautioned not to go out to certain places alone? Is this parking lot well lit? Can I hold it in for a few more exits, or can I risk stopping at this rest stop to use the restroom? Why am I told to constantly be aware of my surroundings, to watch my drink, to never, ever let my guard down? What are my exit routes? I need to walk with my car keys between my fingers./Where is my pepper spray? Did he have a chance to put something in my drink? Why am I shamed if I dress a certain way, enjoy a little too much alcohol, or I walk down the wrong street? Don't you know you could have been attacked? What the hell were you doing there? You were drunk, you may as well have laid back and spread your legs. That shirt was low-cut/skirt was too short. It's like hanging a piece of steak in front of a starving wolf. I have heard this narrative played over and over again. Public service announcements, TV movies, talk shows, my own father, etc. Then there's the fact I have known several women who were survivors of some form of sexual assault, the majority of them in fact, and the one thing that's pounded into our heads over and over again are ways we the victims can prevent rape. And in spite of all our knowledge, one in six of us will still be assaulted - some of us more than once, and chances are we'll be asked what we did wrong, as though we deserved it. Surely, if we follow all the rules, we'll be rape-proof, right? If only it worked that way.
So if women are afraid of being approached by men, there's a damn good reason for it, and that's why posts like this get written.
...and I'll stop with these posts this morning. Time to get to writing and journaling. :)
Here's something I wish I could send to the men who have approached me in public before (especially that man who approached me while I was alone in a laundromat at night): Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced:
Now, you want to become acquainted with a woman you see in public. The first thing you need to understand is that women are dealing with a set of challenges and concerns that are strange to you, a man. To begin with, we would rather not be killed or otherwise violently assaulted.
“But wait! I don’t want that, either!”
Well, no. But do you think about it all the time? Is preventing violent assault or murder part of your daily routine, rather than merely something you do when you venture into war zones? Because, for women, it is. When I go on a date, I always leave the man’s full name and contact information written next to my computer monitor. This is so the cops can find my body if I go missing. My best friend will call or e-mail me the next morning, and I must answer that call or e-mail before noon-ish, or she begins to worry. If she doesn’t hear from me by three or so, she’ll call the police. My activities after dark are curtailed. Unless I am in a densely-occupied, well-lit space, I won’t go out alone. Even then, I prefer to have a friend or two, or my dogs, with me. Do you follow rules like these?
So when you, a stranger, approach me, I have to ask myself: Will this man rape me?
Do you think I’m overreacting? One in every six American women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. I bet you don’t think you know any rapists, but consider the sheer number of rapes that must occur. These rapes are not all committed by Phillip Garrido, Brian David Mitchell, or other members of the Brotherhood of Scary Hair and Homemade Religion. While you may assume that none of the men you know are rapists, I can assure you that at least one is. Consider: if every rapist commits an average of ten rapes (a horrifying number, isn’t it?) then the concentration of rapists in the population is still a little over one in sixty. That means four in my graduating class in high school. One among my coworkers. One in the subway car at rush hour. Eleven who work out at my gym. How do I know that you, the nice guy who wants nothing more than companionship and True Love, are not this rapist?
I don’t.
When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me. I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about my personal safety.
Read the whole thing, please.
One thing I would add to this: According to RAINN, roughly 73% of rape victims know their attacker. An acquaintance, a classmate, even a boyfriend or a husband can be a rapist. That friend who offers you a ride home when it's raining, or that guy who happens to ride the same bus as you: possible rapists. The thing is, women never know who might turn on them. Sure, I will state right now that I don't expect one of the men in my life to rape me because I try to surround myself with pretty awesome people, but I couldn't predict with 100% accuracy who is or isn't capable of it.
The funny thing is that there are those who say women live in fear, and that we do so needlessly. To you I say this: Why then are most tips about preventing sexual assault directed at women? Here's a list of where not to go, what not to wear, and what not to say. Why am I cautioned not to go out to certain places alone? Is this parking lot well lit? Can I hold it in for a few more exits, or can I risk stopping at this rest stop to use the restroom? Why am I told to constantly be aware of my surroundings, to watch my drink, to never, ever let my guard down? What are my exit routes? I need to walk with my car keys between my fingers./Where is my pepper spray? Did he have a chance to put something in my drink? Why am I shamed if I dress a certain way, enjoy a little too much alcohol, or I walk down the wrong street? Don't you know you could have been attacked? What the hell were you doing there? You were drunk, you may as well have laid back and spread your legs. That shirt was low-cut/skirt was too short. It's like hanging a piece of steak in front of a starving wolf. I have heard this narrative played over and over again. Public service announcements, TV movies, talk shows, my own father, etc. Then there's the fact I have known several women who were survivors of some form of sexual assault, the majority of them in fact, and the one thing that's pounded into our heads over and over again are ways we the victims can prevent rape. And in spite of all our knowledge, one in six of us will still be assaulted - some of us more than once, and chances are we'll be asked what we did wrong, as though we deserved it. Surely, if we follow all the rules, we'll be rape-proof, right? If only it worked that way.
So if women are afraid of being approached by men, there's a damn good reason for it, and that's why posts like this get written.
...and I'll stop with these posts this morning. Time to get to writing and journaling. :)
