jadedmusings | Writer's Block: Looking Back

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This is actually my second LJ, and one of these days I'll get around to deleting the old one - I just haven't yet. I won't post my very first entry in this lj, but I will post one I made the day after I created it (because I feel comfortable sharing this one). I made two lists: "What I am," and "What I am NOT." Reading over it, I thought it was still pretty interesting and fun to repost.

Title: "So I decided to make a couple of lists."

Originally written February 9, 2006:

I really ought to head to bed, but when has that ever stopped me from getting something out when I need to?

This is more or less just random things I've been running through my head tonight.

What I am:

I am physically female. I have no desire to change my sex whatsoever (well, I admit to being tempted every 35 days or so to rip my uterus out and nail it to a wall, but other than that I don't want to alter my genatalia at all).

Mentally I feel neither male or female. I'm "gender neutral" in this regard. I cringe everytime I hear someone say "Oh, you're a woman, you'd understand." The other night I heard my mom say, "And he talked to me like I was another man. Can you believe that?" She said it with such shock and disgust. Meanwhile I'm sitting there thinking, "I wish someone was comfortable enough with me to talk to me like another man again. I miss that so much." [2009 note: These days I feel more female, and I think some of that is that I've been reading more feminist literature/blogs and finding so much that echoes within me. Plus, my current relationship is one in which I feel ok with expressing my femininity. However, I still would say my gender is more fluid than solidly in one place or another.]

I am a mother. I love being a mother. I love my son.

I am a sexual being. I enjoy sex, I want it, I initiate sex, and this is normal and healthy.

I am a liberal. I call myself a Socialist because so far that seems to be the closest I have come to my political beliefs. I suppose you could call me an idealist in many ways.

I am a Polytheistic Pagan, and hope to one day be able to finally study Hellenism in depth.

I am intelligent (most of the time).

I am bisexual/pansexual. I am attracted to both men and women equally, though some days I lean more one way than the other.

I am an American who fears that her country has shifted too far from the dreams and ideas of its founders.

I am a tattooed freak and I like it that way.

I am a human being and deserve to be treated as an equal regardless of my race, gender, sexuality, or religious persuasion.

I am opinionated.

I am allowed to feel anger, sadness, fear, happiness, joy, elation, etc. That is one of my gifts as a spiritual being.

I am a compassionate person.

I am a thinker, a feeler, a lover, and sensitive.

What I am not:

I never have been and never will be Suzy Q. Homemaker. I enjoy cooking and baking on occasion, but this does not fufill me.

I am not a Christian. I do not believe a man called Jesus Christ was a deity who came to earth, nor do I believe he, or anyone for that matter, died a horrible death to absolve me of sin.

I am not an idiot for merely holding a viewpoint different from my father's.

I am not afraid to die for what I believe, contrary to what my father thinks.

I am not my mother and, barring some weird event a la Freaky Friday, I never will be her.

I am not who I appear to be on the surface.

I am not something to be used and thrown away.

I am not here to do my parents' bidding, nor am I here solely to please them and live my life according to their rules.

I am not defined by my past relationships.

I am not defined by my period. I am not a chronic sufferer of PMS, and PMS is not the cause of all my anger.

More later as I need to go to bed now. I'll also try to explain what went wrong this past week. Everything from my dad, my mom, my dreams, my sexuality going all over the place, and even some freaky feelings over the ex entered into the picture. Oh, and financial stuff too. *sighs* Suffice to say, I have a level of just how much bullshit I can take before I crack, and I went way over that level this past weekend and week.