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My behavior is not dictated by my gender.
Jun. 23rd, 2009 02:09 pmI am so sick of gender roles in relationships, and I'm sick of the response of "Oh, that's a wo/man for you!" when it comes to problems in a relationship. Know why I get sick of that? It's simple really. Saying a negative behavior is the result of one's gender is an excuse for the behavior, which in turns means the behavior is condoned and viewed as unchangable. When that happens, it means people are allowed to continue whatever it is they are doing to the detriment of their relationships/their partners. This is not acceptable.
NEWSFLASH: PEOPLE CAN BE ASSHATS REGARDLESS OF GENDER!
I don't get this attitude, I really don't. There were times when I saw my mother emotionally hurting and she needed someone to reassure her, but my father wouldn't talk because "Men don't do those things." Other times my mother would engage in passive-aggressive behavior instead of telling my father what happened to make her angry. The response was, "You women always do this and expect us to be mind readers." It wasn't just my parents, either. I still see it played out in the relationships around me, and I know we all hear the jokes from television, music, and other media. But that doesn't make it right.
It's not being a man if you leave your partner alone to deal with an emotionally upsetting event. It's being a jerk when you don't talk to hir. It's not being a woman if you don't tell your partner you're angry or upset. No, that's called not communicating. Neither behavior should be excused because of a person's gender, in fact, they shouldn't be excused at all.
Before people start chiming in with "Well, all the wo/men I've known do this," stop yourself and think. We all engage in some form of asshattery or another in relationships. Sometimes we're aware of it and other times we have to be smacked with a clue-by-four. How we respond to it is a reflection of who we are as individuals, not our entire gender.
I've been with a man who could cry at the oddest of moments, and then turn around and angrily get in my face when I tried to explain what was wrong. And I've been with a man who ignored me when I tried to say I needed more emotional support from him. If I were to go by the gender roles provided to me, I was the man in one relationship and the needy woman in another. Neither of those is right (except that I know I was a jerk a few times myself - oh, and I've always been a woman). When people excuse shitty behavior based on gender, it's harmful to a relationship. Regardless of your gender, you can communicate with your partner, and if you are indeed doing something wrong, be an adult and stop doing it!
NEWSFLASH: PEOPLE CAN BE ASSHATS REGARDLESS OF GENDER!
I don't get this attitude, I really don't. There were times when I saw my mother emotionally hurting and she needed someone to reassure her, but my father wouldn't talk because "Men don't do those things." Other times my mother would engage in passive-aggressive behavior instead of telling my father what happened to make her angry. The response was, "You women always do this and expect us to be mind readers." It wasn't just my parents, either. I still see it played out in the relationships around me, and I know we all hear the jokes from television, music, and other media. But that doesn't make it right.
It's not being a man if you leave your partner alone to deal with an emotionally upsetting event. It's being a jerk when you don't talk to hir. It's not being a woman if you don't tell your partner you're angry or upset. No, that's called not communicating. Neither behavior should be excused because of a person's gender, in fact, they shouldn't be excused at all.
Before people start chiming in with "Well, all the wo/men I've known do this," stop yourself and think. We all engage in some form of asshattery or another in relationships. Sometimes we're aware of it and other times we have to be smacked with a clue-by-four. How we respond to it is a reflection of who we are as individuals, not our entire gender.
I've been with a man who could cry at the oddest of moments, and then turn around and angrily get in my face when I tried to explain what was wrong. And I've been with a man who ignored me when I tried to say I needed more emotional support from him. If I were to go by the gender roles provided to me, I was the man in one relationship and the needy woman in another. Neither of those is right (except that I know I was a jerk a few times myself - oh, and I've always been a woman). When people excuse shitty behavior based on gender, it's harmful to a relationship. Regardless of your gender, you can communicate with your partner, and if you are indeed doing something wrong, be an adult and stop doing it!
