Precious and Fragile Things

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I really, really, really despise Valentine's Day. I think I enjoyed it for one year when I was sixteen in high school and had a boyfriend who actually did something really sweet (one of the only handful of times I've received flowers - I can still count that on one hand). Other than that, well, it's just another holiday that's been commercialized all to hell and has about as much meaning to me as Groundhog Day (as in, none at all). Ever since then, single or not, I've never enjoyed the day at all, nor have any of my boyfriends.

I don't care to participate in Valentine's Day, and I hate the thought that my boyfriend would get me flowers or chocolate just because it's Valentine's Day and it's what you're supposed to do. No, if he's going to get me flowers or chocolates, or anything like that, I'd rather it be for some occasion that's personal to us, or because he just wanted to do something nice for me. I can express my love in any number of ways on any day of the year. I don't need Hallmark to tell me to do that.

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I would spend as much time with my loved ones as I could. I would probably pack up the dogs, the kiddo, and Sam, and drive out to California so I could see the Pacific Ocean, and then drive up to Washington to see what all this fuss over Seattle is about, but mostly, I'd surround myself with the people I love for as long as I could so they'd know how much they meant to me.

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All the time, and it tends to impede the process. When I don't get the reaction I was going for, or when something goes ignored even when I point it out to specific people, it hurts and I feel less inclined to continue doing it. Still, I'll write when the mood strikes (working on something right now as I'm trying out this idea I have), but there's still a lot I don't show to people at all and keep to myself precisely because their imagined reactions can occasionally worry me.

(I am working on how well I take criticism, but when my critique is sometimes "That was...nice," I get frustrated and annoyed. That doesn't tell me anything except you thought it was crap and are trying to spare my feelings, or that it just wasn't that great.)

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I believe in soulmates, but not in the sense that there is one person out there destined to be with me forever. I believe in reincarnation, and I think that in the course of a lifetime, souls meet and form some sort of attachment. I think those attachments, whatever they are, carry over into the next life and the souls are drawn to each other. Soulmates are not always lovers, and I think if they were, it'd seriously stunt any growth that's supposed to occur. They can be friends, relatives, or even enemies. For whatever reason, they wind up being pulled together via various means, and though the people may never be aware of it, when the body expires, the souls remember and reflect on whatever they've learned.

As for "the one that got away," I used to think I had that. I let someone slip out of my life some years ago, someone who I still feel for in a way, but there's no telling where he is or what he's doing now. I no longer think he got away from me, and I stopped wondering about what might have happened a couple of years ago. He probably wouldn't like the person I've become, and he's likely not how I remember him by now. Our lives took different paths, but I'm glad he was there for the short time he was, and I'll forever remember what a great kisser he was. No matter how much I hurt when I realized he was gone for good, I wouldn't trade what I've got now for anything, especially as it means I never would have met Sam, and more importantly, I wouldn't have my son.

While I no longer practice polyamory, I don't think there's only one person out there for each of us. I think there are many possibilities, and when a relationship fails, it's not a sign that it wasn't meant to be. It's always meant to be, but "meant to be" doesn't necessarily mean forever. People grow and change, and that growth and change doesn't usually happen together, and not everyone can adapt as well as others. Had I not had some of the relationship experiences I've had - however horrible they may have been - I would not be who I am, and I would not have the tools to have the amazing relationship I do now.

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It depends on what sort of sick I am. If I've got a headache or am otherwise in some sort of Terrible Pain(TM), I want to be left alone in a pitch black room with absolutely no sound. I'll just want to sleep forever, or until the pain goes away. However, if I'm sniffly, coughing, and/or running a fever, then bring on the juice, water, tissues, and lots and lots of snuggling.

If I've only got a mild cold, then I'll go to work (if I had a job, that is), but if I'm feverish or in debilitating pain, then chances are I am not leaving the bed for at least 24 hours.

Speaking of being sick, I'm currently checking on the kiddo every five minutes. The poor guy really has inherited the migraines that plagued his grandfater and me in childhood. One minute everything was hunky dory, and the next he started tantrumming because he couldn't quite tell me what was wrong. Finally, when I guess the pain got so bad he couldn't ignore it, he cried, held his head, and told me he was hurting. Another good thing is that he's not getting them frequently, again, like I used to. He had a bad one in August, but none before or since then - well, until today that is. The one godsend is that he doesn't seem prone to vomitting like I was as a kid. He's napping now after a dose of Tylenol, and he seems to be doing well. Of course, I still want to cry after watching my baby in pain. :(

It's a good thing soccer practice was canceled due to rain anyway because he certainly wouldn't be going after this headache. Next time he's at the doctor's I'll bring it up.

ETA: The kiddo is awake, eating, and feeling 100% better. We did his homework, and then he ate his dinner followed by a small snack (he's hitting a growth spurt). So, the Tylenol worked, and in talking to Mom, she said it sounds exactly like what I went through as a child with the migraines, only I could express myself a bit better than he can currently.

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Yes, in theory. In practice, I'm not sure we'll ever be able to explain everything due to the simple fact that the planet and nature are constantly changing. I don't think humans will ever be at a point where we'll know everything there is to know about everything, but I bet we might get pretty close. If we don't blow ourselves up first. ;)

In other news, the kiddo is annoyed with me because I had to take his new Mario backpack away for two minutes to write his name on it. The horror. At least he was okay with me putting his name on his lunchbox. Six more days and he starts school. (His first day is Tuesday.)

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Oh, I think I could write a novel about this week, but I'll stick with the most recent annoying thing. Today, I purchased a Gamecube memory card so that I can play Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time for the first time in years. After the kiddo and I got back from Aiken, I had the memory card in my hand as I climbed out of the truck and...I have no idea what happened to the card after that. I have retraced my steps outside several times, searched through the turck twice, emptied my purse twice, and overall have nearly driven myself crazy searching for it. What's worse is that I had to travel to two different stores to find one, and it was the last one they had.

Also, the neighbor's kids left their scooter in my yard. I have no idea why it's there, so I moved it out of my yard to the neutral spot between both our yards and I'm hoping they'll come and get it. It's kind of frustrating because I'm rather protective of my yard and don't like people coming near my house without me knowing about it. (Doesn't help that I have a mild phobia about home invasion/strangers lurking outside.) That and I don't want to have to look to see if kids are out if I let my dogs out to use the bathroom. Sasha is still a bit too rambunctious with her play, and I don't want her to accidentally hurt someone in my yard. Penny is incredibly nervous around strangers, and loud noises scare her, so kids shouting around her will send her running and make her anxious, which in turn makes me feel so bad for her and guilty. It'll be better once I get an estimate on a fence and get one built, but I still don't want people I don't know in my yard. Yes, even young kids. Look, I love my kid, but that doesn't mean I have to be fond of everyone else's kids. :p

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I have recurring nightmares about zombies. The dream itself is never the same, but the subject matter is. It's not that I fear zombies, and in fact I've been known to love a good zombie movie, but these days I can't watch them anymore lest they trigger a zombie nightmare. I think I have them at times when I feel helpless and my anxiety is really high. It never matters how fast you run and how slow the zombies are, they all eventually overwhelm you with sheer numbers, and there is nothing you can do about it. (Romero's flicks always end on a depressing note and no one ever wins.)

As far good recurring dreams, I don't have those. I wish I did, I really do, but seems that's not for me. Most of my dreams are often boring or just like a really, really strange acid trip. On occasion I'll have a dream I consider really nice or good, but for the most part I wake up going, "Man, what did I eat before bed to make me dream that?"

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Hmm, well I can't really think of any that aren't a big "duh."

The biggest one is honesty, particularly about feelings. Don't tell me you love me if you really don't, not even if you think it's to spare my feelings. I've had it happen and it hurt worse to find out it was a lie than if I had been told from the outset my feelings weren't returned.

Respect for who I am. I don't want to be changed to suit someone. I want to be me and loved as I am rather than who I could be.

On the sillier side of things, I don't think I could date someone who didn't get Monty Python, gaming, or other geeky references. It'd cut down on the amount of jokes I could make, and also wouldn't leave a whole lot in the way of subject matter to discuss.

All that being said, I'm rather lucky in this area at the moment. ;)

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Are you kidding? I am the classic goodie two-shoes. Once, when I was about five or six, I got a bag of Skittles while shopping with with my mother. I forgot to show it to the cashier, and we walked out. Mom noticed the bag when we got to the car and said, "Did she see you with those?" I told her I forgot and so Mom went back inside and paid for it. Even though things were all cool and Mom reminded me to always make sure the cashier sees everything, I had nightmares where I'd forget to pay for an item and be arrested. To this day I'm still a little paranoid about making sure everything in my cart is accounted for, and I keep a close eye on my son to make sure he doesn't grab anything at the last minute.

In short, no, I have never stolen anything. If I did, I'd feel so guilty that I'd turn myself in within a week.