jadedmusings: (Ming Ming Sewious)
ExpandFemale TMI under the cut. )

Dear cats,

In case you didn't notice, I'm not feeling well. You'll get your wet food when I'm not feeling like either my head or my bowels are going to explode. You have an automatic feeder full of dry food. It won't kill you to eat some of it. I don't care if you know where I sleep.

Your occasional servant,

Jade

***

Dear Sasha,

Don't give me that pathetic look. As soon as the miracle of modern medicine makes me feel human again, you're getting a bath. I tried calling you in last night when the rain started. Just because you'd rather romp in the pasture with the goats and the cattle doesn't mean I have to suffer the stench of wet dog or the annoyance of muddy paw prints.

Looking forward to seeing you fluffy and white again,

Jade
jadedmusings: (Default)
Dear Uterus,

You should be thanking whatever deity uteri pray to that I do not have access to a Do-It-Yourself Hysterectomy kit, otherwise I would have already ripped you out and gleefully trampled your remains until there was naught left but a puddle of blood and bits of tissue. I thought the days of killer cramps that make me almost double over were done after I hit my twenties and had a child. This is the first time in nearly six years that you've given me this much agony.

Next year, after I have moved and gotten settled in whatever my new home will be, I am going to have a long chat with a doctor about all the ways in which I can make your life miserable in return. I've no desire for anymore children, so don't start thinking you can cause all this trouble without facing dire consequences. I don't need you, but you need me if you want to continue to live.

Play nice or I will find that Swiss Army knife.

No love,

Jade

P.S.: Stop getting Lower Back involved in your antics. She can be enough of a bitch without you encouraging her.

*****

Dear Stomach,

I realize you are situated above my uterus. I can only imagine how truly aggravating she can be when she's making me miserable. However, is that any reason for you to take your anger out on me?

If you could stop adding to my misery, I could take you out for a nice salad. I know we're both really hungry. :(

Confused,

Jade

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jadedmusings: (Default)
Wrathful and Unrepentant Jade

December 2013

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